you know what? I think the thing that makes me the moat angry is when you ask someone something and they blatantly flat out lie to you. it makes me even angrier when its someone who should be able to be completely honest with you, and you ask them something which you actually know the answer to but still they lie. I can see it on your face I know you too well, do you not understand that? I can tell every time you do it. it eats away at me, chipping parts of me away making me even more raw and less likely to believe you when you really need me to. its so hard because I want to believe you so bad. I want to think that you would tell me the truth, so much. I want to think the best but its so unbelievably hard.
people lie everyday I know that I get it. from the simplest of things like: 'how are you'? 'oh I'm fine' when really you feel like shit, you want to craw into a small hole and die but no your fine aren't you. I think that everyone needs someone they can be completely honest with, someone that just get you and knows you pretty much in and out and I thought that maybe I was yours. I know its hard but all the things we've been through together I would think and hope that you could, I know that we really haven't been friends for too long but it feels like forever. there is really nothing much that you could tell me that I'd be surprised about and I'm going to listen no matter what and anything that you tell me I'm still going to love you, nothing will ever change that.
one of the hardest things is not knowing, not being able to help. that feeling of helplessness in the pit of your stomach.
I don't know whats happening but I just wish things were back to how they used to however I suppose you cant live in the past and you have to just keep going one day at a time, blaa blaa ive heard it all. I never know what to say or if I'm doing something wrong. I wish everything was clear: don't do this, do that, black, white,yes, no. but nothings like that, nothing is clear everything has multiple choices and no one ever knows what the right answer is.
life is tough yeah, so is everything. you just have to keep working at it and live life to the best you can because one day we'll all be gone and when you look back on your life is this what you really what to see?
i
In truth, you like the pain. You like it because you believe you deserve it, and the fact that you’re putting yourself through pain means you are doing what you, by all rights, ought to do. You’re doing something right. Your ability to withstand pain is your claim to fame. It is ascetic, holy. It is self-control.
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