Fuck depression.

Depression is something that will always be with me, long ago did I come to accept. I feel it will always be here. I despise myself for the plain and simple fact that I don't have the right. 

Nothing terribly terrible has happened to me. I do not understand how a person, a kid even can have this kind of pain for no blatant reason. 

I was around 8 when I first started self harming.  Is depression a way of controlling the population? Is it a chemical put in our water that some are more susceptible to? Cause how the fuck can an 8 year old get depressed? Someone please tell me. 

People talking about depression and cutting when they have no idea. I'm sittIng here like omg shut up, you have no fucking clue. 

Exhausting.

Everything seems to be exhausting me, no matter how much sleep or how much coffee I drink or how long I lie down, something inside me seems to have given up. My soul is tired.

Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I've already felt.

mehhhhhhhhh

I feel so alone and lonely, I'm so cold and tired and the urge to cut is really sticking in my mind. Usually I can shake it but lately it's been coming up more often than not.


I fucked a random on Friday. I shouldn't have done it. I really don't understand the point of fucking someone you don't have feelings for. I suppose it was nice at the time but waking up next to someone you hardly remember from the night before is not a great experience.




I just want to be wanted.

Drained.

I feel unspeakably lonely. And I feel - drained. It is a blank state of mind and soul I cannot describe to you as I think it would not make any difference. Also it is a very private feeling I have - that of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown. I am often questioning myself what I further want to do, who I further wish to be; which parts of me, exactly, are still functioning properly. No answers, darling. At all.

Take me home.

Anxiety running through me. I've never felt so scared to just be and do. My depressive phases these days is nothing but darkness and an overwhelming numbness. I can do anything and I don't care about anything. But with this I feel crippled. 

Politeness is okay, but it gets old and boring. You want to attack life with a passion, not a politeness, you want people to think about you and remember you and say “she is so passionate” you don’t want people to think about you and remember you and say “she is so polite,” because, who cares about polite?