come in and sit down for tea.

LEAVE GET OUT, I don't want you here. So just leave.

oh wow lovely.

I’ve now decided that I’m putting on a mask, its on. You will now never see the inside of me. Good bye to my true emotions and hello to the fake, somewhat happy me. None of you need to see this side of me so I’m going to act like a happy babe, care free and drunk on life. Then hopefully you will all just believe that, that’s what I’m feeling. None of you need to be burdened with me. So if I act like this then no one will think twice. You will all be fouled.

Because as long as I seem happy no one actually cares, they don’t. Its simple and I like it that way. A mask of happiness, a mask of content, A mask with a smile painted on.

Bye me hello happy.

Oh wow lovely.

Black

Black is the death that is eating away at my body and soul.

Black are the guns shooting sprays of bullets everywhere.

Black are the rats spreading diseases to humans.

Black is the raven pecking at the eyes of corpses.


Black is the bomb plummeting towards the earth.

Black is the night that stays in the sky while you sleep

Black is the cat that stalks through the alley behind you.

Black is the jaguar that pounces on its prey.


Black are the shoes on the shelf that will never be sold.

Black are the colour of fingers diseased by frostbite

Black is the storm swelling over the land scouring everything into darkness

Black is the bumble bee buzzing, around you, waiting to sting.



Black is the colour that reaches to the far corners of the universe.

Black is the colour of pencil that scratches at the skin.

Black is the colour of the photo that will never be seen.

Black is the shade of the knife jutting out of the my chest.



 

yarp. .

Dig- Incubus.
Erase- Mika.
Stolen- Dusk and Summer
Scream- Tokio hotel
Lovely day-System of a down
Secound cahnce- Shinedown
Free falling- Light house
Guardien angle- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Sick and tired- Anastiacia
Big yellow taxi- counting crows
Nightrider- sidekick
Everywhere- Michelle Branch

Please.

Okay so here goes. I’m tired, lonely, and I miss you so fucking much. There are times when I’m having fun and I think about you, someone mentions you, or you pop into my head. I start to become sad I mean how can I be happy and have fun when you can’t, it’s not fair. I think about you nearly all the time. I wonder how you are what you’re doing; think about how times we spent together. I think about how happy you were and how happy you made me feel your smile, always, always put a smile on my face. It’s like you had magic powers over me.




Plus I don’t want to have fun, I’m over everyone and there stupid dramas. It never occurred to me how selfish some people are, my closest friends really don’t think about much, other than themselves and their life. To be completely honest I'm over it all and then most of the time, I can’t even stand to be around them. It’s not just them, its people in general.



it’s not your fault that I’m like this, I’m not blaming you because I blame myself completely. I should have fixed you, helped you, stopped you. It’s my fault.

But now I’m helpless I can’t help, and I want to so bad but I just can’t. I want to be there holding your hand every step of the way. Telling you everything will be okay but I can’t, it’s not because I don’t want to or can’t bring myself to do it. It’s just something I’m not allowed to do; I want to make you better so bad. In a way I suppose this is something you need to do by yourself.

I don’t want it to be. But you have to help yourself before anyone else can help you.



Please

i feel like this . . and sometimes i feel like this. .

Sometimes I feel like nothing can stop me.Ii'm on the top of the world. A bubbly buterfly of joy.

then most of the other time . .

i remember that your not hear and i blame myself, I could have stoped, i should have, but i dont know i just, didnt think it was that bad? i just want you to be here with me. how can i have fun, enjoy myself. i feel so terrible because i know that you cant and then I want to be by myself, compleatly alone.

To the boy i loved. .

Firstly I’d just like to say on the small chance that you may stumble upon this:

This isn’t an attempt to get you back. You need to move on, and I think you have, which is good.


Hear goes I’m sorry i guess you’ve heard it a lot. Too many times its most likely lost its meaning just like the word love. But I am. .  Sorry

I know I hurt you countless times, and I could be horrible to you. Sometimes I would just take all my anger and frustration out on you. The reason is I suppose that its easier to take it out on you cause I thought you would always love me, I thought that at the end of the day you would forgive me.

I know we fort a lot however we also had great times together. With you I felt happy just in that moment went you put your arms around me I felt save like nothing could ever touch me or hurt me. As if it rays of glee coming out of me were protecting us. But in the end it was me who hurt us.


Don’t you ever think that it was because of you that this happened because it wasn’t, it wasn’t. It was all me, you were anything if not more than any girl could ask for. I just fucked it up. I hope one day I will be able to explain it, to you. Right now I can’t even explain it to my self it complicated and I know people say that all the time. It is though, I just can’t put it in to words and tell you maybe because I’m seared. Maybe because I’m tired of thinking. Maybe because I’m just not strong enough to deal with any of this right now.


What I’m trying to say is that I know I’ve hurt too many times and I know I’ve sad sorry to many times. I just needed to get this off my chest. I’m not expecting you to forgive me I’m not expecting you to come running back to me because I don’t want you to it wouldn’t be right.


Well I hope one day we might be able to be friends and talk like we used to but who knows what the worlds got in store for us? Really? Its just up to chance lets just leave it up to that. Ill miss you.

thoughts of wonder.

Lately I have been thinking, a lot! It’s slightly annoying. My head just wont shut up. It goes on and on and on. I just want to scream.

Who am I?
What is my purpose?
Why are you doing this to yourself and me?
How can I help?
What should I do?


It’s all just too much, I feel like I’m going to implode. It’s just too hard.

But I have to keep on going, day by day. Its only been two days where I haven’t been able to see you and already I’m sick to my stomach, I’m lost, alone and I cant talk to anyone no one knows, no one understands.

i'm back

well well wel, its been awhile and hear I am again. I find myself back hear, staring in the face of a computer screen. why do I find it easier to sit hear and type, than to express myself in other ways? as fast as the new year came, I’m over it. I don’t feel any different. . i feel dangerously dull, empty and unfulfilled. is it just me?
so much has already happened and yet I’m board.
why is it that there has to be so much drama so much bitchiness.
cant everything just be sunshine and rainbow dust.?
I’m constantly tired, my brain hurts.
as I look at the sun and wait for the rain,
I’m strong but not strong enough
I’m small but not small enough
I’m waiting and worrying.
about you, cant you just stop. you are perfect and beautiful. you don’t need to change your self because of other people. your special and wonderful and I don’t understand why you cant see that? don’t you now that everyone loves you because of who you are! the person you are on the inside.
just be happy that you’re here.
your a babe!
i love you. please just stop.