simple times

Uni

First week of Massey is almost over. It's been confusing at times, scary, but actually really fun. I've had lots of work to do over this week and I haven't really met anyone new. Although I did bond with Mat Thomas, cause he's in one of my classes. Stating uni at 10 every day is pretty great, today I have one class and start at 1130 and tomorrow I don't have any classes. I am working all weekend, it's fucking gay. Then on Monday, I start babysitting 3 times a week. So I'll finally have money. Woooow.

Everything seems like its starting to go well. I hope it stays like this.

Feeling very unwanted.

Interesting birthday day/night, to say the least. Woke up feeling very down and not good at all. I was still sick and idk thinking to much. Around lunch I went down to New Town and meet Rosa. We got coffee, shortly after we wondered around looking at the op shops. Got bored and decided to go back to hers. Later on Nat  Tas, and Elise came round which was really nice. Nat got me a amazing top; pug lyfe. I went home eventually and got ready to go out to dinner. We were planning on going to the southern cross but since Rosa was using Nats id we couldn't. Sooo where else did we go but the good'old Oriental Kingdom. bla blablablablablabalbalb  we got drunk, got messy, sang some songs.. etc normal pitball antics.

 There were these two boys that had been on my bus earlier on in the night, that were there with people that kendra and Nat knew. and I got with one of them at Estab and then later on at Lotis. He was pretty good looking actually but like all he wanted to do was shove his tongue down my throat  Don't get me wrong I enjoyed it and all but god I swear like sooo much time was spent up against a wall I was seriously stating to feel like a whore.. haha All I really wanted to say was; "can you just ask for my number? or let me leave? So many times did I try say that I had to go find my friends but no and all I really wanted to do was dance. hahah oh well what started like a shitty birthday turned into a pretty cool one. I meet some really nice people and had fun. :)


Well that is apart from my own dad forgetting that it was my birthday. He called me this morning and actually tried to blame him not remembering or getting the day right or whatever on me? God he's a dick.

oh and Yannick didn't talk to me, nothing. I actually can't fucking believe it. I found out last night that he got Laura Chevalier. WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T HE TELL ME THAT. I sent him a very abusive and very drunk text and yet again he didn't reply. I can't wait till the day he is completely out of my system. It will be a good day.

S!ngl3 lyfE gi3s

fuck this shit.

Happy birthday to me. Happy, happy, happy. wow. :(

I need to use this advise!!

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?”

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”

It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses. As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night. Remember to put the glass down!

Feeling depressed, its my birthday tmrw and idk I feel like no one cares. I don't have a best friend any more so there's none to have a sleepover with. Don't have a boyfriend. I have no one. I feel so completely alone right now. Hate feeling like this. hate it, hate it. sjfljsklj

I want to be a part of a friend group like this.

eskrfgnsl

rant

Someone messaged me on tumblr say that they missed the old me? wtf Very strange.

I'm so tired and feel like shit still. This sucks ass! It;s my birthday in four days and I'm not feeling very party-ish or excited. I generally don't like my own birthday. i cant even write tonight. I'm just going to stop.

siiick

I haven't been to work all this week because I've been really crappy  I woke up this morning with this really strange rash on my hands and feet. So we went to the after hours and turns out I have some sort of virus and tonsillitis. Its pretty shitty and annoying cause now I'm going to get paid like nothing next pay. Oh the pain. Now I'm just using all our internet on watching pretty little liars.

tired

People always think they know other people, but they don’t. Not really. I mean, maybe they know things about them, like they won’t eat doughnuts or they like action movies or whatever. But they don’t know what their friends do in their rooms alone at night or what happened to them when they were kids or if they feel fucked up and sad for no reason at all.

Made this the other day..

v day dinner date.

Went out for dinner with Trent last night. We went to oriental kingdom and it was actually pretty fun. After dinner and two bottles of wine we met up with Nik Desilver and Ellie. It was really strange seeing Nik in that context after all the years of smoking weed together etc. All in all it was a nice night. However I woke up with the worst hang over and realised that I've have a hang over this entire week. Only one night did I not drink. hah #yolo I am feeling very worn out and run down though and I think I actually may be getting sick. Not good!!

shall I get with another rando tnight. bleed my heart out and then run away

Going out tonight, should be alrighty I hope but I have work tmrw at ten so cant get too smashed!! haha Last night I went out for cocktails with Ashley and Sarah. Which was actually really nice and surprisingly not awkward. I'm really glad that were getting back in touch with each other it's nice! Hopefully we continue to hang out here and there. 

Today I went shopping with Kendra and Tasarla. I spent way way, way to much money !! eee I need to be saving but I'm just hopeless at it. I spent over $300 :/ but I did get quite a lot for that new jeans, 2 tops and a cardie :) 

I really hope tonight goes well! I'm feeling in good sprits but who knows how long that will last for - unit my money runs out? ;) Oh god I need to escape this constant stream of daily grind. 

thoughts

my mum always told me to “touch people lightly.” that’s an impossible concept for me, though.

i am 100% committed to every relationship i am in. if i’m going to take the time to care about you, i will care about you with every fibre of my being: every hair on my head, every toe on my foot, every beat of my heart. if i take the time to emotionally invest myself in you, i go all in. but no one seems to do the same. i am the friend that will pick you up at three in the morning regardless of what i’m doing. i am the friend that will dry your tears when a stupid boy breaks your heart. i am the friend that will buy you a present out of the blue. i am the friend that will hold your hair in a bathroom as you puke your guts out. i am the friend that will be there for you no matter what.

yet somehow, no one is that friend to me. i am the friend that walks home alone. i am the friend that works every possible angle to go out of my way to see someone who could care less about seeing me. i am the friend that is taken for granted, i guess, because people are used to me being there for them and expect it from me. i don’t expect anything in return for my friendship, but sometimes it would be nice for it to be reciprocated, you know. 

it’s also so easy for people to get over other people. a boy that was supposedly in love with me, hasn't talked to me once since and, is already banging random girls…. uh, if that was me (which it has been)….. i would be in bed depressed for days. I just don't understand how people can care so little. I am constantly reaching out to people who don't give a fuck about me. Why do I do this to myself? 

so from now on, i will try to touch lightly. i will make out with random boys for the night and not expect anything out of it, i will do things on my own, i will not expect anyone to be there for me. i mean i used to be this way, but i guess i thought things could change. they don’t. i can handle myself, but sometimes it would be nice to have dependable back up. i have amazing friends, but sometimes i just feel so lost in the shuffle. i guess i’ve just learned at a young age that if you want something done and done right, you have to do it yourself.

Janet Frame, Owls Do Cry

“She grew more and more silent about what really mattered. She curled inside herself like one of those black chimney brushes the little shellfish you see on the beach, and you touch them, and they go inside and don’t come out.”

.

I neeed to escape. Hide in a library somewhere with no technology  nothing. Just myself and the air around my half naked body. Cleansed and refreshed. Some time, that is all. 

Last.night.kirstie was supposed to have drinks and they invited yannick. He asked if i was going and then.said that he wouldn't go. Like Wtf? I text him asking if he.wasn't.coming.because of me.and he.didnt reply. He's.turned into such a dick its not that hard to reply to someone and i know it would have been kinda awkward. But It was.kirsties last night. Its so weird going so quickly from talking to someone everyday and seeing them everyother. I can't wait to get over him holy fuck.

On another note Connor was texting me yesterday which was very weird. Asking what had happened and trying to have a semi normal.conversation.

The girls and i are organising a bon fire for tnight which should be fun. Hopefully it doesn't turn to shit. I need to get drunk and get with someone.

Kirstie's having drinks tmrw night cause she's going away and that means that Yannick will probably going to be there. which is so fucking freaky. How am I supposed to act? What do I say. I can tell right now im not going to deal with it well. I'll most likely be getting drunk in a corner and as long as Danni doesn't come it will be fine. Dear help me god. I need strength to deal with this. fuuuck.

I've drunk text him a couple of times which I really regret!! But he didn't even reply god this is all so hard. I really need a 'fluffer' like Lina said. someone to occupy me, to take my mind of this crap!

I forgot to write about how Danni is such a stupid slut that she thought that Yannick and her would go out when we broke up. Like how fucking stupid can you be?!?! In a way I feel sorry for her she is so unclassy and stupid. oh well life goes on. 

I hope somebody cares

When the blood dries in my vains and my
Heart feels no more pain
I know, I'll be on my way,
To heavens door,

I can feel, something happening
that I've never felt before
Hopeless dreaming will start,
Dragging me away from heavens door

When my mind stops thinking,
My eyes stop blinking,
I hope
Somebodys there.

And my heart stops beating
and my lungs stop breathing
in air,
I hope somebody cares,

Going to town tonight going to get my slut on. hahah I'm officially on the rebound ready to pounce on anyone good looking who shows any interest in me. 

Got my hair cut today, it looks nice face doesn't. time to get ready

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We all live in cages. A relationship is an escape. Escape from sadness and solitude. Sometimes being alone is less painful, but we are born as free creatures and we cannot stay in the cage forever. We love to survive...