I love this word

Oh.

My moods have been really up and down lately, some days I'm completely fine and then something will happen. It won't even be something of significance, I'll just get fed up and go in to this lame mood. I hate being this way. I just want to be content and happy. I wish I knew what I wanted.

feel like dying

Swimming laps around a bottle of Louis The 13th
Jumping off of a mountain into a sea of Codeine
Im at the top of the top but still I climb
And if I should ever fall, the ground will then turn to wine
Pop, Pop, I feel like flying, then I feel like frying, then I feel like dying

I just want the pain gone and with the pain gone will come numbness I feel it consuming my body already.

I came to accept,
long ago that he would always be with me,
like a shadow.
He would always follow me.
That doesn't make it easier.
I will never get rid of this pain.
Constantly
tugging,
weighting me down,
smothering me.
Slowly, he will eat just a little bit to much
I will lose myself for good.
There is nothing I can do but stand back,
watch myself turn back in to the numb monster I was.
This time,
I'm going to be able to pull myself back.
There's no one to save, not anyone worth being strong for.

allergic

I had a allergic reaction last Thursday, went to the doctors, they gave me 8 random pills, and adrenaline. then called the ambulance. Had to stay in the hospital all day, I got to sleep for most of the time which was good haha. Today I went back to the doctors for a check up kinda thing and she said I have to get an epipen and referred me to the allergy department or something at the hospital. Pretty random shit, they don't even know what it was that I'm allergic to.

...

I think I need to stop drinking diet coke 

TIRED.

New York is only 6 grand away

Massy is having a New York trip next year in the Easter break. I want to go so badly, I can't even comprehend it. This is like a dream come true! I need to go, I have to go, there isn't really any other option.  New York is my dream and going there even if it is for only 2 weeks is the closest thing I have to moving there and I should kind of check it out before I decide on actually moving there. We'd be going to all the museums and see so many great things I can't even comprehend. I need to save so much money to do this about 6 grand but my dad said if I saved 5 he'd give me 6 which is a pretty good deal. Although even if I did manage to do it, its unlikely that he actually would stick to his word. I'm so committed to this that I'm not going to go away for new years. I will do this, from now on I will save evey extra penny I have! I will do this!

flat

Had the first night in my new flat last night and signed the contracts today!! The people are so nice it's awesome! I'm so happy about how well this worked out cause its could have gone terrible. My room is all unpacked and pretty and I'm going to have drinks on friday or sat maybe? working all week this from 1-9 which is kinda annoying but just thinking about the money! wooo happy times sjdflksjkl

Time to fly ^.^

Officially moving out now!!! Woooo I have the funds to move out.

Flating.. Almost

I've found a flat!! Wooo

All I need to do is get the money together as soon as possible. Meaning spending as little as possible in these next few weeks. So no partying for me. hahah I really hope I can get the money together in time that I do actually get it!!
 

nice

Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.

I got a job woo

First day at my new job was today. It was pretty scary at first but I did fine.
I did one interview myself and it went really smoothly, feel proud.
woo
Moving up in the world.. hah
Now I just need to focus on and balance work, uni and losing weight all together in harmony.
Time to get serious and stop putting socialising and the computer first!!
I need to get somewhere in life and that will not happen if I continue to do what I've been doing.
Oh and also

DON'T FORGET TO SAVE MONEY YOU RETARD.

weekend adventure

I slept with this doctor guy on Friday, he was 24 and had an extremely clean room. He drove me home in the morning which was nice but I was still drunk/fucking tired and left my skirt and id there which was fucking stupid. Now I have to find a way to get them back..

on another note friday night so so much fun!! It was the best night I've had in town ever, I went out with Lina and Maddie from Espresso. jfsjflksjkl

FUCK FOOD

I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT
I AM SO FUCKING FAT
THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE


I NEED TO BE STRONG
AND ACTUALLY DO THIS!!
IT IS NOT OK FOR A HUMAN BEING TO BE THIS OVERWEIGHT!!!

I have a crush o.O

I like this guy but Idk if its because he's the first person that's given me attention since Yannick or if  I actually do like him. but it's nice to have someone taking a actual interest in me (as opposed to just wanting to fuck me) and think that I'm good looking. He's really cute and it's good because he lives in parmy so like it wont get to serious or anything. I just love the stage in a friendship/relationship where it's new and flirty and you get excited talking to the person and eee I just want that feeling again!

end of the holz

I'm sick, I've been drinking this alpine tea and it makes my stomach hurt real badly.  I have a mean as cold and it's the last week of my holidays and I'm not looking forward to next semester. I'm so tired, the break has been none stop drinking and partying. I really just need to concentrate on myself this week. Going to bed early and walking up before 10. 

keep things in perspective.

“I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want…I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.” 

—	Sylvia Plath

Such a good night last!

The men exposed, now and then.

Peta - year 8
My brown boy stage. Sarah and I would pretend to run thought the skate park to see him. He tried to kiss me but I was to scared and he kissed my cheek. Wow how things have changed.

 Hayden Longworth - year 9
 We didn't really talk and he asked me out by saying "Do you wanna go out?" me; "what?" him: "they do?" (proceeded to point to my friend and this guy holding hands) hahahhaha

Connor Turner - On and off for 3 years end of year 9 to end of 12
My first real boyfriend, we lost our virginity to each other. He's is a nice enough person but our relationship was poisonous. I cheated on him on his birthday with the proceeding person. I broke his heart and he hasn't gotten over it.

Nick DeSilver - hooked up with him at a forest party. Was a good stoner friend.

lewis - Had a crush on him at swis, hooded up with him at Kendra's party.

Claudie - Connors birthday 2011
We had drunken sex on Connor's birthday, haven't really talked since then. It's pretty fucking awkward

Tom Pope - Summer holidays
Lives in Australia met him in the summer holidays, had sex in his shitty car, small dick, shit sex but \a really nice guy. We will never be anything but friends. I think he may be in love with me. ...

Otis - I think I hooked up with him on new years but not entirely sure.  He's 2 years younger than me and went to school with my brother. haha was not a good decision on my part.

Trent and Jake and Yannick - Small drinks at Yannick's house turned in to me getting with all of them apparently. haha Rosa and especially Danni (fat bitch) weren't impressed.

Yannick Dorsman - Met in December 2011 started going out in march 2012 ended in feb 2013
The first boy that broke my heart. Asked me to the movies 3 times before I finally said yes, we stayed up all night after Rosa's party and ran around the street smashing bottles. I stayed at his house and we took lsd, had sex and then he asked me out. He cheated on me, haven't talked since really. Has no balls. Was fun while it lasted but stoners go nowhere in life.

Guy I brought home - Very awkward in the morning I didn't remember his name.

Random English guy on the warf - I was so drunk I hardly remember anything and I get scared thinking that I can be that drunk and slutty to have sex with someone in a public place. It was raining a fuck lode.

Many other people I have got with in clubs whom I have no idea what or who they are.

#slut

friendship more like one way on a ship to alone island

Sometimes I feel like none of my friends actually like me or want to be friends with me. Like yeah I guess they do, otherwise they just wouldn't be friends with me. but I always feel like the last option or being annoying for asking my friends to hang out, when they hardly ask me. I don't really understand how/why they find it so hard to reciprocate friendship with me? and when they do, I just feel like I'm the flavour of the month. That's just not right. I'm not a terrible friend and I highly appreciate loyalty. Why can't people appreciate me?

Fuck yes I'm going to asap rocky on the 25th

so pretty.

In 4 weeks one of my so called best friend has only talked to me once without me initiating the conversation first. This was to ask for money. Fuck sake people suck and let you down all the fucking time. I'm now not going to start the conversation and wait until she does. Wonder how long it will take. Oh friendship.

Starting tomorrow I shall do this, each day I'll add a new number.

push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.

2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable. 

3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.

4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else. 

5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.

6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.

7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.

8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.

9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.

10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.

11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.

12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.

14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything. 

15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.

16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.

Tired. Feeling shit. and fat. fuck this.

...

I just want to be pretty is that so much to ask for? 


Why do some people get everything in life? 

“Stop comparing where you’re at with where everyone else is. It doesn’t move you farther ahead, improve your situation, or help you find peace. It just feeds your shame, fuels your feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately, it keeps you stuck. The reality is that there is no one correct path in life. Everyone has their own unique journey. A path that’s right for someone else won’t necessarily be a path that’s right for you. And that’s okay. Your journey isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad. It’s just different. Your life isn’t meant to look like anyone else’s because you aren’t like anyone else. You’re a person all your own with a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams, and needs. So stop comparing, and start living. You may not have ended up where you intended to go. But trust, for once, that you have ended up where you needed to be. Trust that you are in the right place at the right time. Trust that your life is enough. Trust that you are enough.”

—	Daniell Koepke

Good day, bad week.

I had such a great day today! Finally  uni is over for 6 weeks and the pressure, stress, anxiety, manic moments are all over for a while. It was one of best in ages, and it was all about me for once. I slept in a bit, walk to east day spa and got my eyebrows done alone with my eyelashes. I then continued to walk down to the gym, for the first time in a long while I actually worked out. It was tough but I'm determined to stick at it and reach my goal weigh. After that I met some friends in Newtown for coffee.


On Thursday, I had a counselling appointing and wow that brought up a lot of memories and feelings. She did this test on me and according to that I have sever depression & anxiety with mild to sever stress. Nothing  I didn't already know. It was just so helpful to be able to talk to someone who is completely outside the picture, with no judgements and is just listen to me. I'm feel aright today and I think this break will really help.

Time to start saving my money and working towards my goal weight.

meh

feeling very, very very overwhelmed right now. So much work to do but I don't even know where to start. I feel like the depression is setting in and I'm starting to go a bit manic. Need to talk to someone but there's never anyone who wants to listen. gbshfjgdklhb

happy anniversary.

It's been three years today, since I tried to kill myself..

New York dreams.

I need to seriously start saving so I can move to New York. Also need a proper job so this can be achieved.

no one really cares.

I'm that type of girl who smiles even though I'm hurting inside. I never ask for help, I take care of my own problems. I'm insecure, and I hate everything about myself. I look in the mirror everyday and hate what I see. I'm always out with my friends even though I'd rather be in bed. I'm trying to forget him, but when I'm alone he’s all I ever think about. I never tell anyone how I feel, unless I really trust them. And sometimes it feels like I can’t trust anyone. Sometimes it feels like I'm constantly alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. No one really cares.

regression

I feel as though yesterday brought back so many feelings and memories, that it as fucked my head up more. I was finally starting to let go of things and move forward but then last night idk. It started off being awkward and then Tas came and didn't acknowledged my existence, which was just rude. Ola then showed up with Toby which was totally fucking awkward. I was feeling so out of place and not in the mood, then I started thinking about him and about Rosa's last party which completely different. How can people go from being so close and then nothing at all. That is three people I've lost. What's wrong with me? I don't intentionally push people away, do I? I value loyalty and if someone is loyal I will respect them and if they are loyal to me then I will one hundred
 percent be behind them with pretty much anything. The problem is that there isn't many fucking half loyal people out there, everyone is just out there for themselves.

The question I have now is how do I know if my depression is coming back? I feel it lingering and I can't stop it. That scares me.

...

There’s a brief moment when you first wake up where you have no memories, a blissful blank slate, a happy emptiness, but it doesn't last long, and you remember exactly where you are and what you were trying to forget..

:c

I just want to be ok, be ok. 

I just want to be ok, today.

I just want to feel ok,

                                                         I just want to feel something today. 

revelations.

I have decided that I am going to move to New York. Obviously not tomorrow or next week but I am going to start saving all my money. I need to get out in the world and experience life. I feel like every opportunity I have in this life is being wasted by my lack of enthusiasm and motivation to try. I need to be thrown into the deep end, and struggle for a bit. Life is so easy right now, I rely on other people too much. I think it would make me a better person to overcome such a drastic change. I want to be an insignificant person, with a insignificant apartment, in such a significant city, with a crumby job that I love to hate which only just pays enough. I want to fend for my self. Live life. And have the passion to want to change the world, but not just talk about it, I want to actually try.

To make this happen I need to slowly start changing myself. These steps are going to help get me to where I want to be in my life hopefully by next year. I need to work on my body, my habits, spending and saving
  and work to make myself an overall better person.

Goals for a new me.

-Wake up at 7 at least once a week and talk the dog for a walk/run.
-Do yoga video once a week
-Gym twice a week
-More fruit and veges (no lazy eating!)
-Tea instead of coffee at cafe's
-Do something everyday for my mum
-Do something everyday for me
-Record what I eat
-Record what I spend
-Budget
-keep room clean.

hey this is just a very normal and serious text post with no hidden meaning whatsoever.

sdfghj

feeling overwhelmed.

great start to the weekend

So, it was Elise's birthday on Wednesday  there were pre drinks/ dinner at her house it was pretty nice and then we went to town. I was dancing with this guy and then he took me out of HopeBros and I don't even know where we went but it was cute he was like "I wanna kiss you in private" "your actually the coolest girl ever" rardy rardy ra. EW and before that I saw Danni and she is actually filthy.

Anyway we were getting with eachother the whole night and then when I was about to go and meet Nat. His friends had already left town and he asked to stay at mine being in the drunken state I was I said yes annd well we all know what happened from there. haha It's actually the weirdest think fucking a random. I can't remember his name.. hahhaha

 In the morning it was pretty awkward like I didn't know how to act. But what ever I don't actually care that much, I'm just happy to be moving on. Oh and I did a good thing today I deleted Danni and Yannick on facebook which I've been meaning to for a while but haven't had the balls to. I wanted to delete Yannick cause as long as he's still on my news feed I'll see him pop up etc and I don't want to have to deal with the feelings that come along with that so It's for the best. Deleting Danni well she's just a filthy slut who I didn't want to have to look at. :)

ahhah

hmmmmm

Babysitting overnight tonight. Tired, I want to sleep in my own bed instead of on a pull-out couch. I want someone to cuddle and share all the disappointment that I have with myself, life and other general woes with. :( I need a good book, and a day off. Maybe even a week or a year. I feel like I need someone to save me and that's never going to happen. Why can't I go back to the happy go lucky, innocent, bouncy young lass I once was. I long long time ago.

This year, will be the year.

The year of letting go, of understanding loss. grace. of the word ‘no’ and also being able to say ‘you are not kind’. The year of humanity/humility. when the whole world couldn’t get out of bed. everyone I’ve met this year, says the same thing ‘you are so easy to be around, how do you do that?’. The year I broke open and dug out all the rot with own hands. the year I learned small talk. and how to smile at strangers. the year i understood that i am my best when i reach out and ask ‘do you want to be my friend?’. the year of sugar, everywhere. softness. sweetness. honey honey. the year of being alone, and learning how much i like it. the year of hugging people i don’t know, because i want to know them. the year i made peace and love, right here.

always tired

the sun and the mood.

I don’t want to go to school i don’t want to go to university I don’t want to have a career i don’t want anyone to expect anything of me ever ever ever I just want to sit in a cocoon of blankets all day every day sleeping and reading books because I don’t think I’m cut out for this whole ‘contributing member of society’ thing. Feeling overwhelmed by money, uni, friends and utter life in general. I need some guidance. 

wondering

I want to wander. To ponder and wonder.
 Escaping from this place is something that really needs to happen soon.
Or I fear something bad will happen.
I doesn't need to be far, or drastic.
Just a movement, a change in the air flow.
That's all I need.

quit my job today.

and I saw him. For the first time. I don't how I feel about this. I didn't know how to act., so I just looked away. How can two people go from being completely in love to nothing in such a small amount of time? ow? 

“I think too much. I think ahead. I think behind. I think sideways. I think it all. If it exists, I’ve fucking thought of it.”

I have to work today, Homegrown is also today. I have no money to go out after work and to make matters worse it would be my fucking 1 year with yannick today. The stupid reminder on my phone came up this morning. I really don't understand why he hasn't talked to me at all its like I'm the one who cheated. I'm being punished for something I never did. I really really just want to not think about him, but fuck me is its hard. I'm so angry at myself. Did he even ever like me? Last night I was trying to remember the last time we kissed and I can't remember. I really miss him, I miss someone to talk to, who cares, obviously he never did care. omg I need to stop this. Just stop. I don't need a guy to make me happy, or content. hwsfhsjkhfjk

— Sylvia Plath

“I was going to cry. I didn’t know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full.” 

“Have you ever analyzed things to the degree where you can’t really remember the difference between what’s real and what you’ve created in your head?”
Edie Sedgwick

simple times

Uni

First week of Massey is almost over. It's been confusing at times, scary, but actually really fun. I've had lots of work to do over this week and I haven't really met anyone new. Although I did bond with Mat Thomas, cause he's in one of my classes. Stating uni at 10 every day is pretty great, today I have one class and start at 1130 and tomorrow I don't have any classes. I am working all weekend, it's fucking gay. Then on Monday, I start babysitting 3 times a week. So I'll finally have money. Woooow.

Everything seems like its starting to go well. I hope it stays like this.

Feeling very unwanted.

Interesting birthday day/night, to say the least. Woke up feeling very down and not good at all. I was still sick and idk thinking to much. Around lunch I went down to New Town and meet Rosa. We got coffee, shortly after we wondered around looking at the op shops. Got bored and decided to go back to hers. Later on Nat  Tas, and Elise came round which was really nice. Nat got me a amazing top; pug lyfe. I went home eventually and got ready to go out to dinner. We were planning on going to the southern cross but since Rosa was using Nats id we couldn't. Sooo where else did we go but the good'old Oriental Kingdom. bla blablablablablabalbalb  we got drunk, got messy, sang some songs.. etc normal pitball antics.

 There were these two boys that had been on my bus earlier on in the night, that were there with people that kendra and Nat knew. and I got with one of them at Estab and then later on at Lotis. He was pretty good looking actually but like all he wanted to do was shove his tongue down my throat  Don't get me wrong I enjoyed it and all but god I swear like sooo much time was spent up against a wall I was seriously stating to feel like a whore.. haha All I really wanted to say was; "can you just ask for my number? or let me leave? So many times did I try say that I had to go find my friends but no and all I really wanted to do was dance. hahah oh well what started like a shitty birthday turned into a pretty cool one. I meet some really nice people and had fun. :)


Well that is apart from my own dad forgetting that it was my birthday. He called me this morning and actually tried to blame him not remembering or getting the day right or whatever on me? God he's a dick.

oh and Yannick didn't talk to me, nothing. I actually can't fucking believe it. I found out last night that he got Laura Chevalier. WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T HE TELL ME THAT. I sent him a very abusive and very drunk text and yet again he didn't reply. I can't wait till the day he is completely out of my system. It will be a good day.

S!ngl3 lyfE gi3s

fuck this shit.

Happy birthday to me. Happy, happy, happy. wow. :(

I need to use this advise!!

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?”

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”

It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses. As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night. Remember to put the glass down!

Feeling depressed, its my birthday tmrw and idk I feel like no one cares. I don't have a best friend any more so there's none to have a sleepover with. Don't have a boyfriend. I have no one. I feel so completely alone right now. Hate feeling like this. hate it, hate it. sjfljsklj

I want to be a part of a friend group like this.

eskrfgnsl

rant

Someone messaged me on tumblr say that they missed the old me? wtf Very strange.

I'm so tired and feel like shit still. This sucks ass! It;s my birthday in four days and I'm not feeling very party-ish or excited. I generally don't like my own birthday. i cant even write tonight. I'm just going to stop.

siiick

I haven't been to work all this week because I've been really crappy  I woke up this morning with this really strange rash on my hands and feet. So we went to the after hours and turns out I have some sort of virus and tonsillitis. Its pretty shitty and annoying cause now I'm going to get paid like nothing next pay. Oh the pain. Now I'm just using all our internet on watching pretty little liars.

tired

People always think they know other people, but they don’t. Not really. I mean, maybe they know things about them, like they won’t eat doughnuts or they like action movies or whatever. But they don’t know what their friends do in their rooms alone at night or what happened to them when they were kids or if they feel fucked up and sad for no reason at all.

Made this the other day..

v day dinner date.

Went out for dinner with Trent last night. We went to oriental kingdom and it was actually pretty fun. After dinner and two bottles of wine we met up with Nik Desilver and Ellie. It was really strange seeing Nik in that context after all the years of smoking weed together etc. All in all it was a nice night. However I woke up with the worst hang over and realised that I've have a hang over this entire week. Only one night did I not drink. hah #yolo I am feeling very worn out and run down though and I think I actually may be getting sick. Not good!!

shall I get with another rando tnight. bleed my heart out and then run away

Going out tonight, should be alrighty I hope but I have work tmrw at ten so cant get too smashed!! haha Last night I went out for cocktails with Ashley and Sarah. Which was actually really nice and surprisingly not awkward. I'm really glad that were getting back in touch with each other it's nice! Hopefully we continue to hang out here and there. 

Today I went shopping with Kendra and Tasarla. I spent way way, way to much money !! eee I need to be saving but I'm just hopeless at it. I spent over $300 :/ but I did get quite a lot for that new jeans, 2 tops and a cardie :) 

I really hope tonight goes well! I'm feeling in good sprits but who knows how long that will last for - unit my money runs out? ;) Oh god I need to escape this constant stream of daily grind. 

thoughts

my mum always told me to “touch people lightly.” that’s an impossible concept for me, though.

i am 100% committed to every relationship i am in. if i’m going to take the time to care about you, i will care about you with every fibre of my being: every hair on my head, every toe on my foot, every beat of my heart. if i take the time to emotionally invest myself in you, i go all in. but no one seems to do the same. i am the friend that will pick you up at three in the morning regardless of what i’m doing. i am the friend that will dry your tears when a stupid boy breaks your heart. i am the friend that will buy you a present out of the blue. i am the friend that will hold your hair in a bathroom as you puke your guts out. i am the friend that will be there for you no matter what.

yet somehow, no one is that friend to me. i am the friend that walks home alone. i am the friend that works every possible angle to go out of my way to see someone who could care less about seeing me. i am the friend that is taken for granted, i guess, because people are used to me being there for them and expect it from me. i don’t expect anything in return for my friendship, but sometimes it would be nice for it to be reciprocated, you know. 

it’s also so easy for people to get over other people. a boy that was supposedly in love with me, hasn't talked to me once since and, is already banging random girls…. uh, if that was me (which it has been)….. i would be in bed depressed for days. I just don't understand how people can care so little. I am constantly reaching out to people who don't give a fuck about me. Why do I do this to myself? 

so from now on, i will try to touch lightly. i will make out with random boys for the night and not expect anything out of it, i will do things on my own, i will not expect anyone to be there for me. i mean i used to be this way, but i guess i thought things could change. they don’t. i can handle myself, but sometimes it would be nice to have dependable back up. i have amazing friends, but sometimes i just feel so lost in the shuffle. i guess i’ve just learned at a young age that if you want something done and done right, you have to do it yourself.

Janet Frame, Owls Do Cry

“She grew more and more silent about what really mattered. She curled inside herself like one of those black chimney brushes the little shellfish you see on the beach, and you touch them, and they go inside and don’t come out.”

.

I neeed to escape. Hide in a library somewhere with no technology  nothing. Just myself and the air around my half naked body. Cleansed and refreshed. Some time, that is all. 

Last.night.kirstie was supposed to have drinks and they invited yannick. He asked if i was going and then.said that he wouldn't go. Like Wtf? I text him asking if he.wasn't.coming.because of me.and he.didnt reply. He's.turned into such a dick its not that hard to reply to someone and i know it would have been kinda awkward. But It was.kirsties last night. Its so weird going so quickly from talking to someone everyday and seeing them everyother. I can't wait to get over him holy fuck.

On another note Connor was texting me yesterday which was very weird. Asking what had happened and trying to have a semi normal.conversation.

The girls and i are organising a bon fire for tnight which should be fun. Hopefully it doesn't turn to shit. I need to get drunk and get with someone.

Kirstie's having drinks tmrw night cause she's going away and that means that Yannick will probably going to be there. which is so fucking freaky. How am I supposed to act? What do I say. I can tell right now im not going to deal with it well. I'll most likely be getting drunk in a corner and as long as Danni doesn't come it will be fine. Dear help me god. I need strength to deal with this. fuuuck.

I've drunk text him a couple of times which I really regret!! But he didn't even reply god this is all so hard. I really need a 'fluffer' like Lina said. someone to occupy me, to take my mind of this crap!

I forgot to write about how Danni is such a stupid slut that she thought that Yannick and her would go out when we broke up. Like how fucking stupid can you be?!?! In a way I feel sorry for her she is so unclassy and stupid. oh well life goes on. 

I hope somebody cares

When the blood dries in my vains and my
Heart feels no more pain
I know, I'll be on my way,
To heavens door,

I can feel, something happening
that I've never felt before
Hopeless dreaming will start,
Dragging me away from heavens door

When my mind stops thinking,
My eyes stop blinking,
I hope
Somebodys there.

And my heart stops beating
and my lungs stop breathing
in air,
I hope somebody cares,

Going to town tonight going to get my slut on. hahah I'm officially on the rebound ready to pounce on anyone good looking who shows any interest in me. 

Got my hair cut today, it looks nice face doesn't. time to get ready

:#

We all live in cages. A relationship is an escape. Escape from sadness and solitude. Sometimes being alone is less painful, but we are born as free creatures and we cannot stay in the cage forever. We love to survive...

does time really heel all?

I fucking love him and I hate this late night sadness! I need something to make me not think :(

oh sweet depression.

I wanna be happy, but I've never really been there. I thought we were happy?
I'm  scared.
I don't want to fall into old patterns.
Depression is not something to wish upon
Oh sweet depression, why do you linger so long?
Just leave my body and soul alone.

Officially single. We met up today and I tried to get everything out of him. He cheated on me 2 seprate times with Danni once at fokefest and another time after that. He said that he'd been thinking about breaking up with me for about a week, but was too scared. It's just so frustrating cause I had strait out asked him if he had ever cheated on me or wanted to break up a few days before that. As much as I still love him and want him back I know it would never be the same and im just so angry at myself cause I let this happen. I love him so much and this hurts so much but I guess its for the best. As it's a new year I'm starting uni and this is I guess the best time to start a fresh. I haven't been single for so long first Connor for 3 fucking years and then Yannick for almost a year. Now it's my time to be single and have fun.

In other news I have a job interview to be a swim teacher tomorrow. I pretty scared but hopefully it goes well and if it doesn't then well I tried.

Oh life.
Hopefully things get better?
sdkljglsdhljlwkshjkfl
fuck boys
fuck him.
yolo time to be a slut
xoxo

I Ching

I Ching. 

This is an old Chinese method of fortunin telling. 

The question I asked was about Yannick and I and where our relationship was going and if we'd get back together. Th. is is hard to understand but it looks like it's telling me to let go, and walk away 

Wind over water.

59 flowing

The king goes to the temple.

Auspicious omen.

1. Auspicious to castrate a horse.

 It will be strong.

2.water washes over the stall. 

Regret disappears. 

3.Water laves the body.

 No regrets.

4.Water sprays the crowd.

Grate auspicious omen.

Water laps at the hillside.

You cannot imagine what will happen.

5. Sweating profusely,

Wailing loudly.

Water laps at the king's house.

It's safe.

6 Bleeding profusely.

Leave, go far away, and be safe. 

Flowing water. delightful when it is gentle, but menacing when it grows to a torrent, had a special meaning for the ancient chinese. On the one hand, it was associated with spiritual renewal, as emphasized by the famous mazim inscribed on the bronze bath basin of Lord TAng, founder of the Shang dynasty: "Renew yoourself today, and another day, and each and everyday." On the ohter hand, it was a fearsome force of destruction: Eight times during the six centuries of Shang rule, floods forced the oving of the capital.

 The images of flowing whater that dominate this hexagram vivdly convey to us both the delights and benefits of gently flowing wather and the fearsome destructiveness of a deluge. Nevertheless, even when it expresses fear, the hexagram holds out the hope of safe paddage.

The Judgement

this is a favorable time for going places, consulting thoes with power and expertise; a good time for getting things done.

The Lines

1. This is an excellent opportunity for protecting your vital assets.

2. Water rises, washing away accumulations of dirt and sediment.

3.Bathing in flowing water gives a feeling of spiritual refreshment.

4. The flow of water quickens. An initial sense of fun and excitement gives way to anxious apprehension.

5.The flow has become a flood, and there is chaos and confusion. Stability is threatened, but you will weather the danger.

6. In the aftermath of the flood, there are injuries and destruction everywhere. it would be wise to leave and start over somewhere else. 

but this one is more positive. I'm confused about all of this. but hopefully when I see him tomorrow everything will work out for how it is supposed to.

General: In order to advance you will need to eliminate the causes of disharmony.

Love: barriers to your relationship can be removed by strengthening communication.

Business: Persistent communication is the key to progress within your business.

Personal: You should move persistently towards unity and integration to alleviate your concerns.

Overview: Huan is about removing barriers that are currently stalling any progress. It will be necessary to use different means to help remove these blockages. It may not be possible to remove them all yourself. It may be that an outside mediator is required. A calm and persistent approach is required. This is a time when there is likely to be some damage caused by the removal of the obstacles and if so, you must try and limit damage to areas not directly linked to the cause of the conflict. Communication and cooperation are the keys to success.

:(

So we broke up 2days ago. He cheated on me. I am so confused and hurt. I Actually feel like absolute shit and i just want to understand what happened and where i went wrong. I need to talk to him but he won't reply to my messages! I love him and this fucking sucks. Boys suck. And.yannick is a dick. Fuuuuck

Fellow readers, & nosey people

Hello people who are reading this? I seem to have a few page views. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing but you should comment below so I know who's reading my blog. That would be nice :3

but If I actually know you then you should fuck off. :)

feelings of relief

Yannick and I talked tonight, I told him how I was feeling and he told me that I had been a bitch to him. We chatted and talked things over. He told me that I didn't need to worry about Zoe, which was really nice to here. I asked him he had cheated on me, and he said no which was so relieving to here. He said that he didn't want to break up with me. So we've decided to try harder. It was so hard trying to explain how I felt and getting through to him but I think I did which is wonderful  I'm much much happier. We are going to hang out tomorrow and I am going to try my hardest to be really nice, fun and upbeat! I want this to work so badly. I'm feeling high hoped. I love him, so much and I do not want to lose him. I should have just talked to him in the first place and non of this drama would have happened. I don't know what Kirstie was so worried about silly woman, making me paranoid.

“She had a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach, like when you’re swimming and you want to put your feet down on something solid, but the water’s deeper than you think and there’s nothing there.”

love

i remember after home grown you stayed in mtg hotel we were lying in bed not talking just looking you were drawing my hand and you wrote special on my hand. that was the first time.ivevever felt so incredibly wanted by anyone the feeling if butterflys. i remember being so siprised that you didnt try and get with me. at first i thought you thought i was ugly or didnt like me. but thoes weeks after man they were amazing and your the closest I've ever gotten to love i don't want to lose you. i wanna try fix us

feelings of sadness and confusion.

oh man

Im meeting my friend after work today and she's going to tell me stuff that my boyfriend told hers. Im rather worries and don't know what to do about the whole situation. i need guidance.

i had the worst night last night.

elise was being such a little Bitch to me. i.was trying to apologize but she.just wouldnt take it. i tried to ask Nat for advice but she just shut.me down and didnt want any part of it. and during all of that kirstie was texing me saying that we needed to talk about something yannick said to Trent about us. i got so overwhelmed and upset and i just didnt know what to it always feels like there is none there to be on my side. :( lifes pretty shit atm

feeling unwanted.

Going out tonight. Worrying a little bit not sure what the night will have installed for me. My boyfriend invited me to this party saying "Wanna come to this party with me and Zoe" .... Some how I always manage to come second even to my own boyfriend. but I'm all nice and ready, hoping tonight will be good. :)