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feeling overwhelmed.

great start to the weekend

So, it was Elise's birthday on Wednesday  there were pre drinks/ dinner at her house it was pretty nice and then we went to town. I was dancing with this guy and then he took me out of HopeBros and I don't even know where we went but it was cute he was like "I wanna kiss you in private" "your actually the coolest girl ever" rardy rardy ra. EW and before that I saw Danni and she is actually filthy.

Anyway we were getting with eachother the whole night and then when I was about to go and meet Nat. His friends had already left town and he asked to stay at mine being in the drunken state I was I said yes annd well we all know what happened from there. haha It's actually the weirdest think fucking a random. I can't remember his name.. hahhaha

 In the morning it was pretty awkward like I didn't know how to act. But what ever I don't actually care that much, I'm just happy to be moving on. Oh and I did a good thing today I deleted Danni and Yannick on facebook which I've been meaning to for a while but haven't had the balls to. I wanted to delete Yannick cause as long as he's still on my news feed I'll see him pop up etc and I don't want to have to deal with the feelings that come along with that so It's for the best. Deleting Danni well she's just a filthy slut who I didn't want to have to look at. :)

ahhah

hmmmmm

Babysitting overnight tonight. Tired, I want to sleep in my own bed instead of on a pull-out couch. I want someone to cuddle and share all the disappointment that I have with myself, life and other general woes with. :( I need a good book, and a day off. Maybe even a week or a year. I feel like I need someone to save me and that's never going to happen. Why can't I go back to the happy go lucky, innocent, bouncy young lass I once was. I long long time ago.

This year, will be the year.

The year of letting go, of understanding loss. grace. of the word ‘no’ and also being able to say ‘you are not kind’. The year of humanity/humility. when the whole world couldn’t get out of bed. everyone I’ve met this year, says the same thing ‘you are so easy to be around, how do you do that?’. The year I broke open and dug out all the rot with own hands. the year I learned small talk. and how to smile at strangers. the year i understood that i am my best when i reach out and ask ‘do you want to be my friend?’. the year of sugar, everywhere. softness. sweetness. honey honey. the year of being alone, and learning how much i like it. the year of hugging people i don’t know, because i want to know them. the year i made peace and love, right here.

always tired

the sun and the mood.

I don’t want to go to school i don’t want to go to university I don’t want to have a career i don’t want anyone to expect anything of me ever ever ever I just want to sit in a cocoon of blankets all day every day sleeping and reading books because I don’t think I’m cut out for this whole ‘contributing member of society’ thing. Feeling overwhelmed by money, uni, friends and utter life in general. I need some guidance. 

wondering

I want to wander. To ponder and wonder.
 Escaping from this place is something that really needs to happen soon.
Or I fear something bad will happen.
I doesn't need to be far, or drastic.
Just a movement, a change in the air flow.
That's all I need.

quit my job today.

and I saw him. For the first time. I don't how I feel about this. I didn't know how to act., so I just looked away. How can two people go from being completely in love to nothing in such a small amount of time? ow? 

“I think too much. I think ahead. I think behind. I think sideways. I think it all. If it exists, I’ve fucking thought of it.”

I have to work today, Homegrown is also today. I have no money to go out after work and to make matters worse it would be my fucking 1 year with yannick today. The stupid reminder on my phone came up this morning. I really don't understand why he hasn't talked to me at all its like I'm the one who cheated. I'm being punished for something I never did. I really really just want to not think about him, but fuck me is its hard. I'm so angry at myself. Did he even ever like me? Last night I was trying to remember the last time we kissed and I can't remember. I really miss him, I miss someone to talk to, who cares, obviously he never did care. omg I need to stop this. Just stop. I don't need a guy to make me happy, or content. hwsfhsjkhfjk

— Sylvia Plath

“I was going to cry. I didn’t know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full.” 

“Have you ever analyzed things to the degree where you can’t really remember the difference between what’s real and what you’ve created in your head?”
Edie Sedgwick