I was just a walking zombie, I didn’t have very many emotions left. But still, playing live was good enough, it made me feel good. Especially in Japan because the environment was so different than anywhere else. We were playing clubs to a couple of thousand people, all in seated areas - the kids weren’t allowed to leave their seats. There were like 30 bouncers with three piece suits to restrain any kids who were having too much fun. You play a song and then they clap, politely, then there was dead air. It was really bizarre! We got to hang out with Shonen Knife while we were there.” - Kurt Cobain.

Now my life is sweet like cinnamon. Pick me up and take me like a vitamin. :3

waiting too see your pretty little face

we are always waiting for something
for it to be the weekend, to be finished school, 
till summer, till we are 18.
we are always god damn waiting
and what’s sad is we miss every beautiful
moment in the ‘present’ because we spend our whole
lives waiting for tomorrow and for the future
we end up skipping our whole lives
and one day we will spend our last day
waiting on a tomorrow that will never come.

I’m not anyone’s first choice. I’m not anyone’s favorite. People may tell me I mean a lot to them and that I’m special to them but I know there’s someone they will always choose over me.

I didn't see you for about four day! four days and at points I felt so horrible and lonely. I actually missed you so much, it hurt sometimes. That makes me feel so dependant, incredibly needy and above all pathetic. although I was so afraid that you wouldn't miss me. I even had a dream that you came back and broke up with me cause you didn't miss me. Never fear he came back and it was perfect,we chatted, cuddled, had great sex and watched a movie. Sounds lame but wow, was it perfect. In that moment I was so happy. Nothing in the world mattered apart form the space between our bodies. I wish moments like this would never end. I love him, I love him, I really do.

why does it always seem like being skinny would solve everything

I fucking hate feeling like this, it's horrible. I hate feeling jealous. I hate feeling like I'm not good enough therefore he's going to cheat on me. I hate wondering if he likes another girl better than he likes me. I hate the way he acts towards Zoe and I hate even more how she acts around him. I hate that I'm as not 'loud' or 'fun' as I was before, not being bubbly all the time. I hate wondering if he still wants to be with me.I hate being fucking depressed. It suck donkey dick.

Why do I always have to second guess everything? Why? Why, cant things just be fucking simple? I don't understand. :(

I just want to be beautiful and feel loved.
I don't know, Why can't I be happy and make him happy.
My head is spinning.
and I don't know where to go, or which way to turn.

I need help. Guidance.


Why does it always seem like being skinny would solve everything!? I don't fucking understand!

You cry, you scream, you could even punch a wall if you want to. 

Once you have let all of that out, you lie down somewhere quiet, and close your eyes. You breathe. You stop thinking and you breathe. Keeping your eyes closed. Stay there for a good 5 minutes and just breathe. Slowly, take each breath and concentrate on it. You can keep your eyes closed for as long as you want, but you have to remember to take the slow breathes. 

This isnt going to make things go away, but it will help you to just relax and slow down. You are thinking too much, trying to figure things out, seeing consequences you dont want to see, and its getting to you all at once.

You are not a waste of space. You are not giving up. You are going to keep going and you are going to be happy. This sadness is only temporary. Things will get better, they always get better. 

You just have to sit down, and breathe. 

So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.

Today's intake so far. :)

breakfast: peppermint tea
lunch: a caramel latte, 2 smokes, and a carrot.

For dinner I plan to either make a stir fry or I will have some soup that my mum made last night.

Im starting a Fruit And Vegetable Cleanse today. My plan is to cut down on everything that isn’t Fruit And Vegetables. I really hope I can achive this, I will still drink some coffee and have ciggrettts however try my hardest to not. If everything goes well then at the end of this week I will decide if I want to go another week, wish me luck. :) 


hopefully I will lose some weight too.

;S

• lypophrenia: a feeling of sadness seemingly without a cause
• drapetomania: an overwhelming urge to run away
• escapism: a mental desire to retreat from unpleasant realities through fantasy
• wanderlust: a desire to travel, to understand one’s very existence
• dysania: the state of finding it difficult to get out of bed in the morning
• sanctuary: a small safe place in a troubling world
• metathesiophobia: fear of change

Don't be scared, I'm right here.

I love people, but I also love being alone. I like my own company. In all honesty, I would be completely okay if I never found a partner. It’s not a need for me, it’s more of a want. I am self-sufficient and I know myself well.  In a way, I’m rather detached from emotions when it comes to other people. I let go easily. It’s kind of like an emotional armor. Being independent is my number one goal at all times.

YO

I like art, and by art I mean music, poetry, sex, paintings, the human body, literature… All of this is art to me.

Give Me Love - Ed Sheeran
Give me love like her,
'cause lately I've been waking up alone,
Paint splattered teardrops on my shirt,
Told you I'd let them go,
And that I'll fight my corner,
Maybe tonight I'll call ya,
After my blood turns into alcohol,
No, I just wanna hold ya.

Give a little time to me or burn this out,
We'll play hide and seek to turn this around,
All I want is the taste that your lips allow,

:3

A sound is eminence as powerful as the world its self

Depression isn't something you get over easily, I think its been with me my entire life. There were times when I was so incredibly happy and nothing could stop me, but it was always there in the back of my mind I guess you would say. It's hard living hating myself, but its also hard all the time.

I don't know what its like for other people all I can speak for is myself and I guess its like living a life you don't want to have any part of, watching everything happen and everyone go about their lives, without wanting one.

It's a selfish illness. I know that I understand that there are people dying everyday. I used to want to die, well I think I did. However now I don't, I can see myself growing up, moving out, being in love, having kids. That's progress, that's prof that things get better.

I recently when to a funereal with my boyfriend for one of his friends that had hung himself, it was truly one of the saddest things of my life, and throughout the whole thing I couldn't stop thinking this could be my funereal, this could have been me. But then at the back of my head was this little voice saying that no one would have come to mine, no one would have given a shit. Which isn't really true at all, however at that point in time I believe that. I think retrospective is a great thing, we never really know what we've got till its gone. I understand that fully. I just wish people could understand that they have a lot, a great deal of love, friends. Even if I doesn't seem like it. I wish this boy could have seen how many people were effected by his death, how many people showed up, how many cared truly about him. He just never had that chance to see it. It's deeply hurtful to me to comprehend that anyone can carry on believing that they have no one, not one person they can trust. That was me once, I guess still is.

 I wish suicide wasn't an option, I mean it can seem like a good and and sometimes I even believe that it's selfish to keep a person on earth when they want to die. but I guess I'm nieve. I really don't know what I'm talking about. I'm a crazed mind, with a hunted sole. I just wish that everyone could find hope and hold on to it. I know that sounds cheesy but I really do. Why is it that the people that appear the happiest are always the most broken, WHY. Can someone tell me? Why is the world such a fucked up place? WHAT IS THE FUCKING MEANING? Cause I have no clue and I just want to understand, love and care. I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused. I want to get better and it's happening surly but slowly I am getting there. Any maybe one day I will be free of this dead weight dragging me down. Who knows? I'd like to say it's up to god, but really it's left to fate and chance in the end.

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound

      Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground 

So I like to keep my issues strong

                    But it's always darkest before the dawn

Olivia. What more could I have done?

I miss being needed by you, I miss looking after you, I miss protecting you. I miss being the only one you turned to. I miss worrying about you. Thinking about you took up 120 percent of my brain space. I miss caring more about you, than anything else. Don't get me wrong I'm glad your better, stronger, happier, healthier. I just long to be needed.

We had a bond that no one else understood, I needed you and you needed me. That was all. We were apart of each other. I would have died for you.. I suppose I almost did. I got caught up in you and all of your problems. I forgot about me and my own issues. I lost sight of everything else, nothing else mattered and in the process I lost a bit of myself. A part I don't think I'll ever get back and in no way do I blame you, I don't think I ever could for anything. You are the only person I've ever trusted completely, but then there were times I really didn't trust you. I guess 'trust' isn't the right word exactly, I knew you were lying to me. But what could I have done?

With out you I honestly don't know where I would be. You are an absolutely beautiful person and I love you so incredible whole heartily. I never want to lose the friendship we share, however I don't think we ever will. Our bond is too strong, we've been through too much. You are my I want to say 'best friend' but that just sounds so typical and that's not we are, at all. I will always be there, I will always need you. The only problem, will you always need me? I feel so despicable.

“Just like a sunbeam can’t separate itself from the sun, and a wave can’t separate itself from the ocean, we can’t separate ourselves from one another. We are all part of a vast sea of love, one indivisible divine mind.

—	Marianne Williamson

"Once in a while you can get shown the light in the strangest of places, if you look at it right"

Today I noticed, moreso than usual, that there are so many beautiful people in my life that I don’t really notice. If you take people at face value, or how you perceive them to be, you will never know the hidden stories, the inner kindness, the fact that there’s more than meets the eye. It may not be conventional beauty, but they are beautiful people, and I’m happy I have had the pleasure of them touching my life for however brief a moment it may be.

“There’s good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad.” I used to relate to this, but now I sort of feel like that’s the negative way of looking at life. There is good in a lot of people, and as much as I claim to hate people, and even though it sometimes hurts to put your heart and soul into something that isn’t reciprocated… The highs are worth the lows. The pleasure is worth the pain. That optimism, however unfounded it may be, actually makes me pretty fucking happy. I hope people give me the same chance that I’m starting to give them.

I am not a graceful person. I am not a Sunday morning or a Friday sunset. I am a Tuesday 2 a.m., I am gunshots muffled by a few city blocks, I am a broken window during February. My bones crack on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud, and I apologize for my awkward sadness. I sometimes believe that I don’t belong around people, that I belong to all the leap days that didn’t happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm. You don’t see the lightning, but you hear the echoes.

9:09pm that same night.

I just cut myself for the first time in over a year, possibly 2 years. This is not okay I don't want to be this weak, empty needy person any more. The worst part is I did it on my wrist. I've never cut there before, only on my hips. I mean I would have trouble hiding them from Yannick there but my wrist thats so much worse than anywhere else. It's like I'm gagging for attention. fuck im so pathetic. I hate being this way but at the same time I thrive off it. Its all I've known for too long. I thought it had gotten better, however bits still linguine inside me. I somewhat thought it always would, but lately everything seems to be getting worse.

later that night 8:25pm

I'm so shit at everything. That's honestly how I feel I'm so ugly, too ugly to live. I feel like my relationship with Yannick is turning to shit and it's probs my fault. It always is. I want to be able to stay in my bed and sleep forever. I'm so tired of trying so hard. How can everyone be so happy all the time. I want to be happy and bubbly to be described as the happy go lucky one again. Not the awkward depressed girl. Why is faking it so difficult? I've been trying too hard for too long, now so why havn't I made it? Why?

05/06/12 8:18pm

I feel like every things turning to shit.

Bought a litre of vods today. yeah boi :)

parent teacher interviews were tonight.. FUCKMYLIFE it didn't go well

Just another excuse for my parents to complain 24/7 about me. :) yay

wish list.:

jersey
coat
vans
boots
shorts
skirts
bag causal & school
cute dress
mascara
hoddie

28/3/2012 6:42 pm

Diet coke and smokes.

25/3/2012 10:19 pm

I don't want to die but sometimes, most of the time I wish I was someone else, someone different. One who didn't have these thoughts and feelings. I want to get seriously hurt and be put in hospital.Just to see who would care enough to come.

Why does no one care until its too late. It really does feel like I'm screaming but no ones listening. No body wants to listen that's the problem, we all care about ourselves too much! Life seems so pointless and tedious I just don't understand what the fuck is the pint? I just want to know. Why and how we can live in so much pain what's wrong with people, why are we constantly wanting more.

I feel like I'm fighting a constant battle every day just to simply survive.

18/03/2012 10:17pm

For toughs few seconds before I catch myself out, you make me feel like I'm the most spectacular girl in the world and wow it feels so good to believe for a minute. You've put me in a daze and I can't get enough of it. :)

Going to listen to music and smoke yay, smoke up does feelings yo

The world just chewed her up and spat her out.

Then you smiled, he got wild
You didn't understand that there's money to be made
Beauty is a card that must get played
By organisation

And ooh la, she was such a good girl to me
And ooh la, the world just chewed her up, and spat her out
And ooh la, she was such a good girl to me
And ooh la, the world just chewed her up, and spat her out

FML I HAVE SO MUUUUUUUUUUCH ART TO DO ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY,WHY AM I ON THIS? WHY!

I never know if sads the right word, but if its not then what is?

I feel kind of sad, like numbness is surging round my body. Making my brain go fussy and plumiting my mood downwards so that I shut down completely tonight. There's no reason for it. I guess it could be a mixture of tiredness, stress and just normal feelings that I have.

I should listen to some happy music,
I want to go for a smoke.
I want to be with Yannick, he makes me so incredibly happy its unbelievable.
I hope to god this 'honey moon' period never wears off.
I feel as if I'm on top of the world when I'm with him.
But why do I feel so shit now?
what's wrong with me?

sixty fucking one kgs !!!

Hell to the yeah.

We could of had it all.

I feel like I'm slipping back into a hopeless place, I don't want to. I've just lost all motivation.
When I'm with Y the emptiness seems to shrink but I don't know for how long I don't want to drag him down with me. I need to be strong, but its just so hard.

why does my head spin? When everything else is completely still.
complications of life, defy me.

I legitimately think I am going crazy, like mental.

I legitimately think I am going crazy, like mental.

Something is seriously wrong with me, these thoughts in my head aren't normal and I don't know how to react to them. Thy are different to all the thoughts and feelings I have had before, I wouldn't really say they are like depressing thoughts or suicidal ones. They are more like "what am I doing here" "what's the point of living" I feel as f I am not me and like I'm just watching myself, like life's not real. I feel as if I'm living the last few days of my life but I'm not to scared or worried about it. As if its  inevitable . More often than not I feel as if someone is watching me. But I don't understand how I an get the feeling that I'm going to die, I mean I know everyone dies one day , however its more like I'm going to die this year, soon. I don't know how to explain exactly how I feel, my head is all messed up and I can't put how I feel into words. Its difficult to write down.

Ph0t0 b0mB Enj0Y

Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more and good things will be yours

Soooo, things have been going pretty good for me lately, I'm down to 63kgs. Although I have no Idea how as I haven't been going to the gym at all lately. Jenny hasn't talked to me since the Sunday of Home grown, not even on my birthday. She just can't handle the world not revolving around her! She is the most selfish person I know! She told Rosa that she looked pregnant, was just plain rude to all my friends and then wanted to leave at 6 just before all the best bands came on and expected me to come with her and when I told her that I wanted to stay she got so angry at me. Like yelling in my face. She ended up leaving and taking all of her stuff out of the hotel and going home. I didn't even do anything? I don't understand that woman. She's crazy. I mean it's kinda pathetic, she un-added me on facebook!! wtf? I don't see why I should have to apologize to her, it was the weekend before my 18th birthday. Yannick ended up staying the night with me, arr it was so cute! We didn't do anything, I thought that he would try but nope. Oh oh and in the morning we woke up and went shopping for him, and then got some foods from the supermarket and had a picnic in civic square! eee He's such a cutie!! :)

  I'm not going to school tomorrow, so in the morning I shall go to the gym and then go to Rosa's house and get drank :) tehhe It's athletics so there is like no point in going

I've been seeing Yannick quiet a lot lately. He is so super cute, I just want to cuddle him all the time :) That's so weird for me, I don't like touching. hah. He also told me that he really likes me, I think hes going to ask me out but idk if I want to. I mean I do but seeing as my relationship with Connor wasn't healthy at all and just plain fucked up. I like him so much, however I don't want to loose him as a friend. I guess I'm just scared of getting hurt, or being controlled 24/7 like Connor did.
Who knows what will happen I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Anyway Ive decided to make a few goals to start the year off, they are;
- Be happy
- Make someone else happy
-Go to the gym, at least 4 times a week!
-Lose 5kgs
-Save money!!
-Buy flowerbomb
-Do lots of homework
-Study for tests
-Eat healthy
-Do something cute for someone
-Lose 5 more kgs
-Do more around the house
-Make the people around me happy.

She is so beautiful.

Hey America, I have a cute idea. At least sort out your health care system, hand gun violence, unemployment, public education, gay marriage, marijuana legislation and middle east conflict before you fuck around with the internet because lets face it, there are bigger issues in the world than someone uploading a photo with a musician in it.

If only I was as strong as you thought I was. .

“Why do you want to die? Why don’t you want to exist? If you don’t want to participate, my darling, if you don’t want to be part of the happy anxious societies, then turn. Don’t wish to disappear, wish to find something satiating, even if it’s destruction and malcontent. Because I love you so, my darling, and would rather see you evil than dead.”

cold coffee.

Tell me if you need a loving hand
To help you fall asleep tonight
Tell me how to fall in love
The way you want me to
Cos I love the way you wake me up
For goodness sake, will my love not be enough?

Plan,routine, word.

EXERCISE: Aim for:

 gym 4 x a week for a total of 60 mins. 

cross trainer - 20 minutes 5.5 mph

bike - 20 minutes resistance level 6 

stepper - 20 minutes, level 10 or cross trainer. 

On the days when I cant gym, I shall do precisely this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E63OUoRuCSU

 this workout but x 6, 60 minutes of exercise and man is it hard, but beauty is pain. As for eating, I really cant write it all down, basically I really watch it, portion control, healthy and fresh, nothing to drink BUT water, or diet coke. Fruit to satisfy my sweet tooth, nice filling breakfast to kick start my day and limit the carbs. 

4,3,2,1 100 cal exercise ;)

40 Jumping Jacks (full range of motion!)
30 Ab Crunches
20 Squats
10 Pushups

This is surprisingly fun to do to upbeat music, it really does help tone your body! Perform the cycle once, then rest until your heat rate slows (not to resting rate though, just so it’s not as fast as it was while you were working out). Then repeat, 2-3 times I’d say. :)

Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more and good things will be yours

How much exercise do you really need?

1. To increase cardiovascular fitness levels?
20 Mins, 2-5 times a week.

2. To lose weight?
20-30 mins, 3 times a week.

3. To tone up?2 sets of 15 reps, 2 times a week.

4. To maintain fitness / weight?
20-40mins, 3 times a week.

5. To increase flexibility?
5-10 mins, everyday.

Dare I......

Dare I say how I am really feeling?

Dare I say where my head is properly at?

Dare I utter the words that chase themselves in circles ‘round in my mind?

Dare I answer, honestly, when you ask me how I am?

Dare I confess truth, to the man who sits in a highbacked chair, weighing up my sanity on a scale of one to completley batty?

Dare I admit to how little i am eating?

Dare I admit that the blackness is becoming thicker?

Dare I admit to how entirely iI hate myself?

Dare I ask for help?

I dare not, for who would believe, this charming eloquent sucessful young lady,
is really a little girl, dying inside.

Prisoner in a lonely land

The problem will not change,

You can’t dispose of this mess.

Your empty heart beats alone,

And these nights have been filled

With people walking in and out of your bed.

But the morning still comes,

And your left alone.

Shattered heart,

Because none of them are yours to keep,

But just another person

To fill the void in your heart for a moment.

And then its goodbye again,

Shattered heart,

And your left alone.