“Just like a sunbeam can’t separate itself from the sun, and a wave can’t separate itself from the ocean, we can’t separate ourselves from one another. We are all part of a vast sea of love, one indivisible divine mind.

—	Marianne Williamson

"Once in a while you can get shown the light in the strangest of places, if you look at it right"

Today I noticed, moreso than usual, that there are so many beautiful people in my life that I don’t really notice. If you take people at face value, or how you perceive them to be, you will never know the hidden stories, the inner kindness, the fact that there’s more than meets the eye. It may not be conventional beauty, but they are beautiful people, and I’m happy I have had the pleasure of them touching my life for however brief a moment it may be.

“There’s good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad.” I used to relate to this, but now I sort of feel like that’s the negative way of looking at life. There is good in a lot of people, and as much as I claim to hate people, and even though it sometimes hurts to put your heart and soul into something that isn’t reciprocated… The highs are worth the lows. The pleasure is worth the pain. That optimism, however unfounded it may be, actually makes me pretty fucking happy. I hope people give me the same chance that I’m starting to give them.

I am not a graceful person. I am not a Sunday morning or a Friday sunset. I am a Tuesday 2 a.m., I am gunshots muffled by a few city blocks, I am a broken window during February. My bones crack on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud, and I apologize for my awkward sadness. I sometimes believe that I don’t belong around people, that I belong to all the leap days that didn’t happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm. You don’t see the lightning, but you hear the echoes.

9:09pm that same night.

I just cut myself for the first time in over a year, possibly 2 years. This is not okay I don't want to be this weak, empty needy person any more. The worst part is I did it on my wrist. I've never cut there before, only on my hips. I mean I would have trouble hiding them from Yannick there but my wrist thats so much worse than anywhere else. It's like I'm gagging for attention. fuck im so pathetic. I hate being this way but at the same time I thrive off it. Its all I've known for too long. I thought it had gotten better, however bits still linguine inside me. I somewhat thought it always would, but lately everything seems to be getting worse.

later that night 8:25pm

I'm so shit at everything. That's honestly how I feel I'm so ugly, too ugly to live. I feel like my relationship with Yannick is turning to shit and it's probs my fault. It always is. I want to be able to stay in my bed and sleep forever. I'm so tired of trying so hard. How can everyone be so happy all the time. I want to be happy and bubbly to be described as the happy go lucky one again. Not the awkward depressed girl. Why is faking it so difficult? I've been trying too hard for too long, now so why havn't I made it? Why?

05/06/12 8:18pm

I feel like every things turning to shit.