does time really heel all?

I fucking love him and I hate this late night sadness! I need something to make me not think :(

oh sweet depression.

I wanna be happy, but I've never really been there. I thought we were happy?
I'm  scared.
I don't want to fall into old patterns.
Depression is not something to wish upon
Oh sweet depression, why do you linger so long?
Just leave my body and soul alone.

Officially single. We met up today and I tried to get everything out of him. He cheated on me 2 seprate times with Danni once at fokefest and another time after that. He said that he'd been thinking about breaking up with me for about a week, but was too scared. It's just so frustrating cause I had strait out asked him if he had ever cheated on me or wanted to break up a few days before that. As much as I still love him and want him back I know it would never be the same and im just so angry at myself cause I let this happen. I love him so much and this hurts so much but I guess its for the best. As it's a new year I'm starting uni and this is I guess the best time to start a fresh. I haven't been single for so long first Connor for 3 fucking years and then Yannick for almost a year. Now it's my time to be single and have fun.

In other news I have a job interview to be a swim teacher tomorrow. I pretty scared but hopefully it goes well and if it doesn't then well I tried.

Oh life.
Hopefully things get better?
sdkljglsdhljlwkshjkfl
fuck boys
fuck him.
yolo time to be a slut
xoxo

I Ching

I Ching. 

This is an old Chinese method of fortunin telling. 

The question I asked was about Yannick and I and where our relationship was going and if we'd get back together. Th. is is hard to understand but it looks like it's telling me to let go, and walk away 

Wind over water.

59 flowing

The king goes to the temple.

Auspicious omen.

1. Auspicious to castrate a horse.

 It will be strong.

2.water washes over the stall. 

Regret disappears. 

3.Water laves the body.

 No regrets.

4.Water sprays the crowd.

Grate auspicious omen.

Water laps at the hillside.

You cannot imagine what will happen.

5. Sweating profusely,

Wailing loudly.

Water laps at the king's house.

It's safe.

6 Bleeding profusely.

Leave, go far away, and be safe. 

Flowing water. delightful when it is gentle, but menacing when it grows to a torrent, had a special meaning for the ancient chinese. On the one hand, it was associated with spiritual renewal, as emphasized by the famous mazim inscribed on the bronze bath basin of Lord TAng, founder of the Shang dynasty: "Renew yoourself today, and another day, and each and everyday." On the ohter hand, it was a fearsome force of destruction: Eight times during the six centuries of Shang rule, floods forced the oving of the capital.

 The images of flowing whater that dominate this hexagram vivdly convey to us both the delights and benefits of gently flowing wather and the fearsome destructiveness of a deluge. Nevertheless, even when it expresses fear, the hexagram holds out the hope of safe paddage.

The Judgement

this is a favorable time for going places, consulting thoes with power and expertise; a good time for getting things done.

The Lines

1. This is an excellent opportunity for protecting your vital assets.

2. Water rises, washing away accumulations of dirt and sediment.

3.Bathing in flowing water gives a feeling of spiritual refreshment.

4. The flow of water quickens. An initial sense of fun and excitement gives way to anxious apprehension.

5.The flow has become a flood, and there is chaos and confusion. Stability is threatened, but you will weather the danger.

6. In the aftermath of the flood, there are injuries and destruction everywhere. it would be wise to leave and start over somewhere else. 

but this one is more positive. I'm confused about all of this. but hopefully when I see him tomorrow everything will work out for how it is supposed to.

General: In order to advance you will need to eliminate the causes of disharmony.

Love: barriers to your relationship can be removed by strengthening communication.

Business: Persistent communication is the key to progress within your business.

Personal: You should move persistently towards unity and integration to alleviate your concerns.

Overview: Huan is about removing barriers that are currently stalling any progress. It will be necessary to use different means to help remove these blockages. It may not be possible to remove them all yourself. It may be that an outside mediator is required. A calm and persistent approach is required. This is a time when there is likely to be some damage caused by the removal of the obstacles and if so, you must try and limit damage to areas not directly linked to the cause of the conflict. Communication and cooperation are the keys to success.

:(

So we broke up 2days ago. He cheated on me. I am so confused and hurt. I Actually feel like absolute shit and i just want to understand what happened and where i went wrong. I need to talk to him but he won't reply to my messages! I love him and this fucking sucks. Boys suck. And.yannick is a dick. Fuuuuck

Fellow readers, & nosey people

Hello people who are reading this? I seem to have a few page views. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing but you should comment below so I know who's reading my blog. That would be nice :3

but If I actually know you then you should fuck off. :)

feelings of relief

Yannick and I talked tonight, I told him how I was feeling and he told me that I had been a bitch to him. We chatted and talked things over. He told me that I didn't need to worry about Zoe, which was really nice to here. I asked him he had cheated on me, and he said no which was so relieving to here. He said that he didn't want to break up with me. So we've decided to try harder. It was so hard trying to explain how I felt and getting through to him but I think I did which is wonderful  I'm much much happier. We are going to hang out tomorrow and I am going to try my hardest to be really nice, fun and upbeat! I want this to work so badly. I'm feeling high hoped. I love him, so much and I do not want to lose him. I should have just talked to him in the first place and non of this drama would have happened. I don't know what Kirstie was so worried about silly woman, making me paranoid.

“She had a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach, like when you’re swimming and you want to put your feet down on something solid, but the water’s deeper than you think and there’s nothing there.”

love

i remember after home grown you stayed in mtg hotel we were lying in bed not talking just looking you were drawing my hand and you wrote special on my hand. that was the first time.ivevever felt so incredibly wanted by anyone the feeling if butterflys. i remember being so siprised that you didnt try and get with me. at first i thought you thought i was ugly or didnt like me. but thoes weeks after man they were amazing and your the closest I've ever gotten to love i don't want to lose you. i wanna try fix us

feelings of sadness and confusion.

oh man

Im meeting my friend after work today and she's going to tell me stuff that my boyfriend told hers. Im rather worries and don't know what to do about the whole situation. i need guidance.

i had the worst night last night.

elise was being such a little Bitch to me. i.was trying to apologize but she.just wouldnt take it. i tried to ask Nat for advice but she just shut.me down and didnt want any part of it. and during all of that kirstie was texing me saying that we needed to talk about something yannick said to Trent about us. i got so overwhelmed and upset and i just didnt know what to it always feels like there is none there to be on my side. :( lifes pretty shit atm

feeling unwanted.

Going out tonight. Worrying a little bit not sure what the night will have installed for me. My boyfriend invited me to this party saying "Wanna come to this party with me and Zoe" .... Some how I always manage to come second even to my own boyfriend. but I'm all nice and ready, hoping tonight will be good. :)

Overwhelmed.

I really need a friend, I mean I have friends. But I need someone I can rely on, someone who I can tell anything, who will be there no matter what, who will always be on my side, to protect me and to introduce me to adventure.

I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness and loneliness and I'm tired.
Maybe I just need a great counselor. Who knows but I need someone to talk to about all this shit.

~

1. Thinking about cleaning
2. Driving
3. Not saying something and feeling good about it
4. Trying to be careful
5. Talking intently
6. Wrecking something
7. Twisting too much
8. Repeating things
9. Doing things for others and for yourself
10. Waiting to spend money
11. Being excited
12. Not meaning to
13. Harmonies
14. Hair
15. Not knowing if something is genuine
16. Logistics
17. Doing things accidentally
18. A few days
19. Offering to help
20. reading

:(

I think being here is making me depressed again. I've stopped taking my medication. I was fine for a while. now I just feel like utter crap. I want to get into bed and sleep and not get out for anything or anyone. 

he's the bee's knees

yannick

Gaaah My fucking boyfriend. and his fucking friend Zoe. I want to punch her and be like keep away from my boyfriend. bitch. but I really can't do that. He'd hate me. It's so weird, he hangs out with her and has so much more fun with her than, he does with me.

I'm not even sure if I still love my boyfriend in that way any more. I mean I love him but I just don't know. We just don't have fun like we used to.
The night of Rosa's party we had so much fun! We stayed up all night, ran around the dim lit streets, smashed bottles on the concrete, feeling like we were two mischievous 12 year old's again. The lure of doing something naughty with someone who I hardly knew was thrilling. We had met a couple of times before but nothing like this. Staying up all night with him, was wonderful.

Then there was the time when Rosa and I went to his house for drinks. It was the second time we met. I got very drunk, we had a lot of fun! Drove on the quad bike, snorted pills and what not. That night I got with Yannick for the first time. That feeling when someone you really like touches you, not even somewhere sexual. Just a touch and your whole body tingles, your heat starts to pound so incredibly  all you can think about is him and that moment. I want that feeling back!

I miss him. I want to be with him, how can I be with someone who invites another girl to one of my friends party? That's weird right or am I being paranoid, fuck man.

bullshit

I want to become so skinny people worry.

why is it that my boyfriend thinks that it's okay to have a sleep over with another girl?

I really want a smoke but I don't know when my mum will be home so this is a problem.

I got all nice, clean and acceptable looking this morning for no reason. As my boyfriend is going to get stoned with another girl.

All my life is, is a bunch a half ass'd complaints.
I'm too pussy to actually do anything, I don't like direct confrontation. I'm more of a silent sufferer kind of gal.

I'm tired of this daily bullshit.

So I thought this would be a good time to write some resolutions;

• lose weight
• rekindle relationship with Ola
• get good marks at uni
• track my money + save
• be a better person 
• get my learners!!
• become fit
• be more organised
• change someones life for the better
• move into a flat 
• eat healthy+ organic where every possible
• find a new job
• work towards saving for something I want 
• have a flat stomach
• make new friends
• be more open but at the same time don't share as much 
• use a diary 

I want to go away. I want my soul to transcend the physical incapabilities of my body. I want to leave everyone I know and forget all of it. I want to change my name. I want to be enlightened. I want to float in space. I want to shave off all my hair and grow it all new again. I want to leave and never look back. I want all of this, so much. So much in fact that in spite of all my wants, the only thing I genuinely need is to learn how to be right here. In exactly this form with exactly these restrictions and exactly these circumstances.

road tripping

So I got back from the mount a couple of days ago. It was really fun pretty chill. I spent soo much money. It was the big 'end of school road trip'. First we went to Opotiki where my friend's parents own the camp ground then the next day we woke up early and headed off to Rythm and Vines. Holy shit it was intense so messy and crazy. It was so hot and sunny all the time I got sun stroke. I didn't really get to see many of the music because the first night I was feeling way to shit I just went to bed and then we never really left to see the music until 9 or something. One of the first nights Yannick pee'd in my tent cause he was so drunk which upset me a lot and then I got sunstroke that day, got fucked around by the people that I was supposed to be working there for so it just set out the hole experience in a really bad way for me. But it was still really fun. then we went back to Opotiki for a couple of days. left on the second day and went up to the mount early to go stay with the rongoit guys for a few days before we were able to go to our house on the 5th. The house was massive! We each got our own rooms and FINALLY had a bed which was wonderful! I really enjoyed the hole trip.

But now I'm back and it seems like everyone hates me or something  apparently I upset Elise because when we were at the mount, Nat and I were talking and I said how I was the fattest in our group and then rated everyone from skinniest to fattest. Kendra, Matiese, Eveie, Elise and then me. So she heard or something and now is upset, the only bad thing that I said was that she doesn't dress well to here size and it's true. She text me today saying
Hey, I'm not angry but just wanted you to know that we heard what you and Nat were saying about us in the mount. I understand that you were upset but it's not fair to put us down to make yourself feel better. I talked to Nat and she explained everything, not trying to cause drama but wanted you to know its a little bit upsetting.
I never really said anything bad or put anyone down but myself so its fucking stupid. I was being honest and obviously she can't handle that I rated her second to last. What ever. Now no one is going to talk to me for a couple of days which is greeeeeat. -.- I hate petty drama. I was drunk I wasn't trying to be a bitch. I can tell this is going to be very annoying for a while.

Today I saw Yannick for the first time in soo long. It was nice to see him but a little weird. I don't know but maybe we have drifted apart a little bit. He text me after and asked if I still liked him and I do but It did feel a bit weird. He said that I felt distant which I explained that it was probs just because we hadn't seen each other in a while. Hopefully that's all it is. I do love him however part of me does just want to be single and maybe I don't  like him in the same way any more.  I just can't get over the fact that he's having a sleepover with zoe before me. Like there has got to be something between them, she diffidently likes him. I really just do not like her, I don't know, maybe I'm just a jealous bitch but I think there is more to it.. Life has too much drama in it atm I need to stay in bed for a couple of weeks and wait for everything to subside.

I fell like I'm always the person reaching out.
asking to be forgiven when I never did anything wrong.
I constantly feel the need to pat the cement into the cracks.
Why?