happy anniversary.

It's been three years today, since I tried to kill myself..

New York dreams.

I need to seriously start saving so I can move to New York. Also need a proper job so this can be achieved.

no one really cares.

I'm that type of girl who smiles even though I'm hurting inside. I never ask for help, I take care of my own problems. I'm insecure, and I hate everything about myself. I look in the mirror everyday and hate what I see. I'm always out with my friends even though I'd rather be in bed. I'm trying to forget him, but when I'm alone he’s all I ever think about. I never tell anyone how I feel, unless I really trust them. And sometimes it feels like I can’t trust anyone. Sometimes it feels like I'm constantly alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. No one really cares.

regression

I feel as though yesterday brought back so many feelings and memories, that it as fucked my head up more. I was finally starting to let go of things and move forward but then last night idk. It started off being awkward and then Tas came and didn't acknowledged my existence, which was just rude. Ola then showed up with Toby which was totally fucking awkward. I was feeling so out of place and not in the mood, then I started thinking about him and about Rosa's last party which completely different. How can people go from being so close and then nothing at all. That is three people I've lost. What's wrong with me? I don't intentionally push people away, do I? I value loyalty and if someone is loyal I will respect them and if they are loyal to me then I will one hundred
 percent be behind them with pretty much anything. The problem is that there isn't many fucking half loyal people out there, everyone is just out there for themselves.

The question I have now is how do I know if my depression is coming back? I feel it lingering and I can't stop it. That scares me.

...

There’s a brief moment when you first wake up where you have no memories, a blissful blank slate, a happy emptiness, but it doesn't last long, and you remember exactly where you are and what you were trying to forget..

:c

I just want to be ok, be ok. 

I just want to be ok, today.

I just want to feel ok,

                                                         I just want to feel something today. 

revelations.

I have decided that I am going to move to New York. Obviously not tomorrow or next week but I am going to start saving all my money. I need to get out in the world and experience life. I feel like every opportunity I have in this life is being wasted by my lack of enthusiasm and motivation to try. I need to be thrown into the deep end, and struggle for a bit. Life is so easy right now, I rely on other people too much. I think it would make me a better person to overcome such a drastic change. I want to be an insignificant person, with a insignificant apartment, in such a significant city, with a crumby job that I love to hate which only just pays enough. I want to fend for my self. Live life. And have the passion to want to change the world, but not just talk about it, I want to actually try.

To make this happen I need to slowly start changing myself. These steps are going to help get me to where I want to be in my life hopefully by next year. I need to work on my body, my habits, spending and saving
  and work to make myself an overall better person.

Goals for a new me.

-Wake up at 7 at least once a week and talk the dog for a walk/run.
-Do yoga video once a week
-Gym twice a week
-More fruit and veges (no lazy eating!)
-Tea instead of coffee at cafe's
-Do something everyday for my mum
-Do something everyday for me
-Record what I eat
-Record what I spend
-Budget
-keep room clean.

hey this is just a very normal and serious text post with no hidden meaning whatsoever.