blogspots better. {:

Wow, I've been so entertained by tumblr that I haven't even remembered to post on here. I like tumblr but then I do really like this. I think that with tumblr it kind feels like you have to impress everyone, but here it's just like I can write anything I want and it doesn't matter. Its like my diary, it's special and safe.

:(

So I got dumped. Over nothing, I don't even know why. fuck this shit.

^.^

I just got back from my weekend away with Jenny. It was pretty good but now I'm super tired even though we didn't do very much , apart from eat, drive in the car, watch TV and eat more. Although it was good to get a way from Wellington.

Tomorrow is the first day of term 4 and I'm really, really not looking forward to it. We have about 3 weeks to revise before we go on study leave for exams. I think that I'm going to get a tutor for Maths, Science and English. They are pretty much my worst subjects, so all the ones that you actually need to do good in, I suck at. Great. I want to pass and gain entrince to university but I just dont think I'll be able to achieve this. :/ God I have a lot of work to do. Lets say goodbye to my life as it is and hello to the hard working me, if I will be able to find enough motervaition in myself!! 

Oh I made a tumbler the other day. It's pretty hard to use, I'm figuring out though. Follow me if you want (:
http://completeuttermess.tumblr.com/

I better go and get ready for school tomorrow, byee {: x

update & pretty pickies

I've just spent the last two days at my boyfriends house. I like being with him and his family, they are really lovely and his mum cooks the BEST food. I always eat so much there! If I lived there I swear I would actually be like obese. Anyway, I'm still sick. It sucks balls, although I'm a lot better than what I was. 

oh oh, I'm going away tmrow for the weekend, to jenny's batch. We're going to spend the out time doing much needed art  for our portfolios, that are due in 2 weeks! Arg :/ I hope to god that I get it done in time.

I'm board. haha so hears some pretty photos.

Gah! I hate being sick it's truly horrible.

FUCK THE HOSPITAL.

My best friend is back in hospital, she lost 150 grams which is like the difference between a large shit or not. It's fucking stupid the hospital wont help much, last time it made her much worse! fuckballs! They need to be fixing her mentally, but all they are concerned about is putting more weight on her and that's pretty much all. They are fucking idiots. god. I'm so angry right now! I'm sorry this probably doesn't even make any seance at all. I think I just need to get it out. I'm sorry. She was in hospital fo around 3 or 4 months, she missed out on so much school work and everything. I think it was probably the worst time of my life, it was horrible everyday was almost unbearable. I don't even know why but I just felt (feel) so responsible for everything like I should have done more to help her. She shouldn't have got to the stage where she needed to go to hospital. fuck. I just wish there was no such thing as fucking ana! It's a fucking stupid fuck, that should go fucking die and fuck! I'm sorry. The thing is that she is still sick, she still worries about how much she weighs, what she eats but shes got so so very much better! I'm so incredibly proud of her! I mean  she probably always will worry about it all . she actually fucking amazingly pretty and I wish I was half as pretty as her, even before she got sick I was pretty jealous of her. Ola i love you so much, you are beautiful! Be strong, you can win! you Will win! xx

To make matters worse today was just a pile of shit but not really but kinda. So it was my boyfriends birthday today and all day we were pretty much fighting, I got dumped because he found out that the other day I smoked weed with my best friend. He got so angry. I've decided that I'm never ever ever going to do it again! its stupid and it pretty much fucks up your life. Never again will i touch that stupid stuff, its really not worth it,! I need that crazy boy so much!

In the end he took  me back,  he just confuses me so much, I mean i love him so fucking much but god he can frustrate me, so so so very bad sometimes. We had sex.. To be honest it was quite good but the condom broke. :/ Tomorrow I'm off to go get the ECP (again) and try book an appointment to get the pill, I need it. I want to tell my mum but I'm just worried about how she will react, I'm pretty sure she knows or suspects something but who really knows.


Well I'm rather tired, better head off to bed now. hah
dream sweetly everyone {: xx

intresing (re-blogged form http://thisisthecollapserightnow.blogspot.com/2010/09/3-days-to-go.html)

Our psychological state allows us to see only what we want/need/feel to see at a particular time.
What 5 words do you see?

 I see: Hate, feel, dream, foul, fake. I don't really get it cause the longer I looked at it the more words I would see but the ones I had already found got lost, but the words do have some relevance I suppose. what ones did you find?

Ola is a babe

 These are some photos that I took of my friend Ola today, for our lookbook page. She is with out a doubt one of the most amazing,beautiful and fucking awesome people I know. I love her to bits! without her I would be all alone in this world. {: 

It's like I want to run away and never come back.

Lately my mood has been on a roll-a-coaster, one minuter its up and the next its shooting down into a dark tunnel, with goblins garbing at me. Any little thing can set it off, then I'll just get sadder and sadder or anger and more frustrated with myself.

The past couple of days I've been rather lively (if that's the right word) but then I just feel this cloud hovering over me. It's full of sadness and everything I'm running from. It just rushes back. To be quite honest I'm not even sure what I'm running from maybe it's reality, maybe it's me or maybe not. I just constantly feel like I'm not good enough, like people see right through me, like people wouldn't noticed if I disappeared. Watch me disappear.

Other people always let you down, I'm not even sure if there's one person I could truly tell absolutely everything to. Not one person I could trust with my whole heart. That's quite sad but so many people have let me down and I just don't fully trust anyone anymore. I'm constantly being ripped down, I try and build myself up as best I someone comes along and says something or does something and bits of me chip away, then I tear the rest of me down in self hate. I like destruction, I like pain, I like fire, I hate to show weakness, I am weak! I'm so weak and tired I want to go to sleep and not wake up for a very long time.

update..

I  never thought I would actually say this but I miss my mum! she's gone away and she comes back tomorrow which I am so very pleased about. Tonight my dads cooking dinner.. All I can say is that it will be interesting.


This past weekend my friend showed me lookbook and I'm pretty sure that I'm addicted to it! I only wish that I was actually pretty enough to put photos of myself up. :/ So instead I think I'll take photos of my friend Ola, shes so pretty, I'm actually so jealous of her. Shes the type of  person that are so amazingly naturally beautiful, however she doesn't see it her self at all. I wish she did.
I like taking photos and I'm sure it will be really fun, dressing her up and finding exciting places to take photos. I'll give you guys the link when we actually start. {:


At the moment I'm pretty stressed because in about one month my art folio is due and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be done in time.shitbricks. I want to re-do like half of it! It's pretty shit. but I guess I should just get it done and then fix it to make it better. yeah, ill try that.. Wish me luck. 

Okay well I better go, bye. {:

skinny-filter

So here you are in your small little world
Kept up like a little precious virgin girl
To hear about your grace and your silly face
Wrapped up like a knot in a ball of shoelace
And every time I talk to you
it sounds like you're caught in a psychological flu

Don't ever let them see you cheat
Don't ever let them see you bleed
Don't ever let them shake your hand
Don't ever let them believe that scam

Skinny
And it will make you cry
Skinny
And it will make you lie
Skinny
And if it makes you soft inside
Skinny
At least you will not die

And if you take a good look at them
All caught up in their gracious-less win
Every sin is their seamless smile
Will go on for a countless while
And just because they think they won
It just means that the shit has just begun

Don't ever let them see you cheat
Don't ever let them see you beat
Don't ever let them shake your hand
Don't ever let them believe that scam

Yeah skinny skinny huh

I'm not too sure why, however I really quite like this song. Have a listen.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXBzzo-Wq00

3 months {: xx

Today is my 3 month anniversary with Connor. It's surprising how quickly 3 months have gone by. I feel like they have speed past me and left me behind in a mess. Soon it will be exams, fuuuuck me. I'm really not looking forward to them at all!and I'm deffs not ready or prepared for them! god.

My mum went away last night, so Terry (my dad) is staying at my house. Gah, I don't even know why cause I'm 16 and can look after myself and my brother.. kinda. I can almost not burn stuff when I cook dinner. My dad is actually so annoying, I strongly dislike him! He has a very frustrating personality lets just put it lightly.. we clash. plus I just have issues towards him, 'daddy issues' I call them, hes never been there for me and now it's too late I don't want him around. The only thing hes good for is money. {: All I can say is that I really can't wait for Tuesday when my mum arrives back home.

This weekend I don't have much planned, I'm spending today with Connor and we'll probably go to a latish movie and then tomorrow I'm thinking of spending the day with Ola.
hope everyone has a good weekend {:

hears a big fuck you.

I can't handle your shit. 
I don't no where we're going.

TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRED.

I want to sleep and not wake up. I'm so fucking tried my body aches. I feel like the living dead. -.-

asdfghj

Everyday makes me feel like even more of a failure.

bring on the stom!

To be quite honest today sucked! I'm not quite sure why it just did. :/

I've officially decided:

I don't like the sun. Its to bright.

Happy people just annoy me.

I don't really like to be touched..

I'm pretty fucking weird.

You can tell I'm such a positive person {:

Top things 5 things I love.

1. The rain.
I'm not really sure why but I cant describe the feeling I get when I hear it start to rain. 

2. My bed.
It's cozy and safe my special place. >.<

3. music
its pretty much my life.

4. Going places at night.
I find it rather exciting.

5. Would have to be dreaming sweet dreams.

balls of fluff.

"  Monsters are real and ghosts are too.  

They live inside us and sometimes, they win"

ugly eyes to go with an even uglyier face.

I don't know what I'm doing. Do I care too much or not enough ? I don't understand anything, Everything's in one ear and out the other. Whats happening? 

In this room, I sit here.
Just waiting, for nothing in particular.
Maybe its you, or am I hiding?
Will you find me? In this room,
I hope not here not like this. 

Chills spill down my spine, I remember this
It's like a summer half forgotten.
A demon lurking in the shadows, always on my back.
Ready to pounce and shoot me down.

In this room, I pray you don't find me.
For you would hate to see me like this,
I'll drop it now, I'll leave it.
You don't care anyway.

The door creeks open, i can see you in the shadows.
I try to scream but there's no sound.
I reach for the door, but you've got hold of me now.
I turn and look at you but all I see,
is my reflection staring back at me.

To my brother.

I'm sorry, I ruined your birthday dinner.
I'm sorry, that our parents are wankers.
I'm sorry, that I'm a shit sister, I'm supposed to shield you from the pain of the world but I don't.
I'm sorry, I don't treat you like a sister should.
I'm sorry' I just kinda ignore you and don't act like I give a shit.
I'm sorry, you care more about me than i do about you.
I'm sorry that I pretty much ruin your life. You deserve better than this shit.
I'm sorry, that I take most of the attention from you. I really wish i didn't.
I'm sorry, that I am your sister.
I'm sorry, I'm like this.
I'm sorry, I was born.


I'm sorry.

you are my all

Okay so I don't quite know how to say this but I think I am actuallly in love with you. I'm not sure what being in love feels like but I do know that I love you with everything I have. I dont even think I would be able to live with out you! Its different when I'm with you to when I'm with anyone eles. You make me actually happy! and you make me think that one day I could actually be normal. One day possible soon it could almost be okay.

The only thing is that you could hurt me so bad, I'm scared to give you my all and tell you everything.  I know the pain that you could cause me, if frightens me to be like this, dependent. I've always been the independent one who didn't really care what others thought. (well my friends would probz describe me as that.) But life with out you would be unbearable and I wouldn't be able to handle it. You are you absolutely amazing and then I'm just not. I don't know how you can stand to be with me but you are and I'm so thankful. I know I can be moody, frustrating, a bitch and just down right annoying most of the time. Some how you manage to put up with me. You make me the happyist I've been in so long. I just want to tell you that I love you so much, and I know  I told you that I didn't believe that you could love someone when you don't love your self . well now I believe that you can because I fucking love you with everything I have. you are actually mean so much to me  Connor!  I would be utterly lost without you. <3

Jesus Christ

I have exams!! It could be possible that i haven't studied.. tomorrow I have mats and science.. :/ help me!!
all I've done since I got home is procrastinate, I actually took my dog for a run which I never do. It was quite nice though. I think I'll do it more often. It was dark and cold, but mainly peaceful.  Facebook is just distracting and now I'm looking at lots of blogs. God, I wish I was just naturally smart and new everything. That would be great!

hate is a strong word but not strong enough.

i want to be different.

i dont know what kind of different just different.
sometimes i wish someone would pick me up and drop me in a completely new place with a new family, new friends just everything new but then id still be the same. dumb, unattractive, and just unwanted. i dont know why im so bad at everything. anything i try to do i fail and some people they are just amazing at everything and so pretty its not fair.

okay sorry about that im just so frustrated with my self at the moment i seriously cant do anything right!
im useless. it actually is so surprising that people actually want to talk to me.

This photo pretty much sums up my life. {:

JesusChrist

Shitbricks, I just ate a fuck load! I'm not even joking. after school I got home and i had :
2 Muesli bars
4 pieces of toast
6 crackers
1 bowl of corn flakes with yogurt
and 1 cup of noodles

I don't even understand how that is humanly possible!!
Now my head hurts but i guess that what you get.

JesusChrist is all i have to say right now.

a sort of new start.

I've decided that my blog is alright yeah, but it is pretty depressing. So from now on I'm going to try and not just blog when I'm angry or frustrated. Ill try to blog for other things too like when I'm happy or idk. I'll blog random things I like and hope and dream. because I guess this is place I come often and with me starting to get a bit better it should get better with me. (:

Ill start now. Yesterday I think it was, I got a Japanese exchange student from our school. I've always wanted to go to Japan, I'm not sure why it just looks like a really fun and interesting place. A lot different form NZ. well any way she is absolutely the cutest thing! Her English isn't very good, which makes communicating and keeping normal conversations going rather hard. I think she'll pick more of the language up soon.

She is here for 10 days, which isn't too long however my friend once had one and she got very sick of her student. I hope that doesn't happen. In a way though I can see it happening because it could get a little irritating with her following me around and not being able to hang with friends as much, then again that could be a good thing. Also it was annoying because on the first morning she was here my mum made me come and have breakfast which is usually the only meal I'm able too miss completely.

But these experiences are good to have and I guess ill just have to put up with it and make the most of her being here. Have a good weekend (: xx

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

does pain have a colour?

What is the colour of pain?
It has no colour, it hides,
between everything you love.

If you truly love nothing,
you will feel no pain.
 
When you cant feel pain,
you yearn for it more than anything.
 
Because feeling nothing is more painful than feeling pain.
You'll do ANYTHING to feel the pain.

Even if it is only for a minute.

...

This person you see, your only seeing what i want you to see. There is nothing more for you to see, because there is nothing more inside me.

times passing quick

Times passing quick but I think I like it. They ask me what I want to be when I grow up and I take a while to respond. Thinking to myself will I ever grow up? Right now I hardly think I'll be around that long to worry about what I shall be, however I still answer there questions, with a simple "uh well I'm not too sure yet." If for some horrible reason I do manage to survive this, then perhaps I will join the army. I don't think anyone who I know now could imagine me in the army. I'm the type of girl who would try as hard as she can to get her way, I am single minded, I have a strong temper, I am rather girly and a tad self-centered but the army sounds good to me for some unknown reason.. Or I might be a nurse, I do like the thought of waking up everyday knowing that your saving peoples lives, tho I dough I'm smart enough. I'm not really sure of anything. Everything's up in the air at the moment and it can all change in an instant. Nothings set in stone, like everyone would perhaps like it to be. Things change, people change. Everything's fucked. Maybe soon it will be different but right now who knows.

keep on track.

To be a silent ripple in a pond,
to be lifted as a falcon by the wind.
To disturb no creature,
to walk without footprints.

This is perfection.

letsgetfreakynowletsgetfreakynoooow.

i find it hard to be around people when i feel so... black? its intoxicating. sometimes i wish i was an orphan with no friends and no family, well there is something i wish more than that but i'm not about to spell it out on here but i suppose you can come to your own conclusions. i think for the next couple of days i will keep to myself. until i find that little mask that i love oh so dearly. ill put it on and ill be all better .. mm yeahright. 

little boy and girls need there daddys.. well not me never.

i don't even know why you fuck me off so much? the pure hatred i have for you is so strong, even just thinking about you makes so me angry its hard to be around people. when someone mentions you i really have to try hard to distract my thoughts of you. its not supposed to be like this your my dad. but its past the point i care any more i'd rather pretend you never existed that look at your hideous face. just fuck off okay i don't need you, i never have. you try to hard, your a fat loser. go away and don't try to talk to me. you say you want me to be happy etc well this is the only thing that would make me happy. leave me alone you sad excuse for a man.

someonegivemeapaperbag.

I feel so totally alone in this world of confusion, yet there is never a moment I'm completely alone, sometimes that's all I wish for. This thing inside you its in me too.It's consumed me. However I think it's always beenin her lurking in the shadowy depth of my mind, you just brought it out.

i hope one day i will be patched up.

I've been lost, I've been losing
I've been tired, I'm all hurt and confusion
I've been mad, I'm the kind of man that I'm not
I'm going down, I'll be coming back fighting
I may be scared and a little bit frightened
But I'll be back, I'll be coming back to life
I'll be coming back to life.

without you i'd be lost.

As we walk our path of life,
We meet people everyday.
Most are simply met by chance.
But, some are sent our way.
 

These become special friends
Whose bond we can't explain;
The ones who understand us
And share our joy and pain.

Their love contains no boundaries.
So, even we are apart.
Their presence enhances us
With a warmth felt in the heart.

This love becomes a passageway,
When even the miles disappear.
And so, these friends, that get sent our way,
Remain forever near.

Remember.

 When you are sad,
and you feel you can't go on.
Tears well in your eyes
and the pain is so strong.

So far from your friends,
and you're all on your own.
No-one to run to,
So very alone.

When all seems so useless,
and you can't take anymore.
As you put on your coat,
and head for the door.

Remember..

I was there once,
lost, all alone
You can cry in my ear,
Just pick up the phone.

When you are lonely and feeling so blue
Someone is thinking ...thinking of you  

lies

you know what? I think the thing that makes me the moat angry is when you ask someone something and they blatantly flat out lie to you. it makes me even angrier when its someone who should be able to be completely honest with you, and you ask them something which you actually know the answer to but still they lie. I can see it on your face I know you too well, do you not understand that? I can tell every time you do it.  it eats away at me, chipping parts of me away making me even more raw and less likely to believe you when you really need me to. its so hard because I want to believe you so bad. I want to think that you would tell me the truth, so much. I want to think the best but its so unbelievably hard.

people lie everyday I know that I get it. from the simplest of things like: 'how are you'? 'oh I'm fine' when really you feel like shit, you want to craw into a small hole and die but no your fine aren't you. I think that everyone needs someone they can be completely honest with, someone that just get you and knows you pretty much in and out and I thought that maybe I was yours. I know its hard but all the things we've been through together I would think and hope that you could, I know that we really haven't been friends for too long but it feels like forever. there is really nothing much that you could tell me that I'd be surprised about and I'm going to listen no matter what and anything that you tell me I'm still going to love you, nothing will ever change that.

one of the hardest things is not knowing, not being able to help. that feeling of helplessness in the pit of your stomach.

I don't know whats happening but I just wish things were back to how they used to however I suppose you cant live in the past and you have to just keep going one day at a time, blaa blaa ive heard it all. I never know what to say or if I'm doing something wrong. I wish everything was clear: don't do this, do that, black, white,yes, no. but nothings like that, nothing is clear everything has multiple choices and no one ever knows what the right answer is.

life is tough yeah, so is everything. you just have to keep working at it and live life to the best you can because one day we'll all be gone and when you look back on your life is this what you really what to see?

i

im suppost to be strong.. at least for you.

pouring down like acid rain.

It's raining. It's raining hard.
All you can hear is the constant drumming.

The walls slowly moving in,
Your breath shorting.

Try look around,
your vision has gone bullury and fuzzy.

Your heart beats so fast,
it could implode at any moment.

You gasp for breath now.

Pain allover, numbness.
It hurts, its been there so long now.
Almost forgotten.

 A nagging twitches at you, almost unbreable.

You have to get out.
be free, fly.

cold, dark, lonely.
Your bodies there,
but theres no occupient inside.

thinking hurts.

I was thinking about it the other day and when I told people, I really expected them to treat me differently. i think its weird, like I suppose it’s good that they haven't and I told them I didn’t want them to but obviously part of it was to do with them, I’m not blaming them at all because I know that it’s entirely my fault, everything that had happened was my choice. 

The things that have happened thou they happened for reasons some that I know and some unaware of. However they happened and it’s not something that you forget lightly or that every goes away. It will be with me for the rest of my life. I know that, I accept that, I just think that if I felt this way before, then its likely I’m going to feel like it again I’m a little scared, but then there’s the part of me that wants to go back to my old ways they were safe no one could hurt me then and the emptiness its coming back.. I’m just afraid and lost and I need help’s don’t know what kind or how maybe the only help I need is for me to help myself. It’s just hard with everyone else and there problems id rather focus on helping then they deserve it more than I do. They truly do.

i will fix you.

I did this to you. It’s my fault. Maybe you think you need attention, or it’s true or do some people see other people’s problems and decided that they need them to because its like they’re missing out on something.. Why all of a sudden has it come like this? Why? Because of me, probably. It doesn't seem too bad at the moment but if you keep trying to pretend like you’re like this you’re going to become like it and believe me you really don't want to, you don't. It is hell. I don't want you to go through the things I went through. Every day was a struggle to keep going.

I just feel so responsible for what’s happening; everything's my fault, it always is and I guess I accept that everything I do, I do it so wrong. I don't want you to go down this hole. I really don't. I've made progress I think. not a lot but a bit, some of its a show or a mask I put on to make others think I'm better however some of it is real and I don't want to be pulled down the hole with you. But I can feel myself starting to already and I hate myself for letting this happen to you.

I want you to talk to me about it, I want you to tell me everything. I can help, I can. I can take your demons away and patch you up. I don't even care if I never get fixed because I know I’m too damage too broken and lost to be now anyway but you, you’re not. So I will do it. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you. now what I need to do is fix you and I will. It’s what I have to do.

what have i done.

I've created a monster, what have i done? I've fucked everything up. Everyone around me. I didn't mean to hurt so many people. But I don't get why suddenly your like this I mean I really think your being a bit over the top you say you are just being yourself and being real but I think your one of the fakest and self sentenced people I know. I love you so much. Sometimes I just can't handle being around you. however I need you so much.

some day soon.

Back to my good old friend, my blog it’s been a while. Maybe too long. But then maybe that’s good. I’ve been talking to my councilor and I think its helping. I feel a bit better. I think it’s about taking one day as it comes and just living to your potential. I’m not too sure really but that’s what I think.

Today wasn’t such a great day, it was alright yeah. But then I found out things. I started to feel how I used to again. I don’t want to feel like this, it’s not nice I want to be normal and happy and I’m trying hard, so hard. You wouldn’t believe. 

My whole life people have always told me that I want good enough. That I couldn't do this. Couldn’t do that. I wasn't pretty enough. Wasn’t cool enough. The list goes on... you name it, people have told me it. I want to be good enough, I do... i feel like its true tho. However, I suppose if someone says something to you enough you start to believe it. The sad thing is even if they were joking or didn't mean it, just in the spur of the moment or decided to say something horrible just to hurt you. you know what it works. It gets you thinking. I've never really believed it when people tell you that if someone says something mean to you its because they're jealous of you, I mean it makes sense I guess but I still don't really get it and I don't get how saying so horrible to the other person is going to make you feel better.  

My friend, she had a problem. She’s sick, and I get that. It’s hard for her and it’s hard for the people around her. It really is. But we try to get through it as best we can and I guess you could say that I wasn’t coping before okay I really wasn’t at all. I still mightn’t be. But I will be someday soon I hope. Someday soon.

yes.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate now knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

Iam

Empty, hurt, cold, dark, closed, desperate, angry, tired, blank, broken, and alone.


I want to sleep, just one night of good proper sleep where I don’t wake up shivering, shaking but feeling nothing. I want to go to sleep and never wake up; the thing is I don’t think anyone would notice. They really wouldn’t. I’d just be there in the corner one day and gone the next. Like someone had put me out in the recycling however I don’t think I’d be much good for that so broken, so unusable.
I just can’t do it because I know that you need me, too much or maybe I need you but I couldn’t abandonee, you leave you alone in that horrible place with all of them, I couldn’t do it to you.


I've tried once before but you’re the only thing stopping me. I want to, I do. The pain is too much to bear. There is a weight in my body, getting heavier and heavier. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to stand it, I want to leave it all behind. Forever.

control

Why is it that everyone fights for control? It’s one of the biggest things that people strive for. Control over the group, to be the leader, control of their family, control over the situation they are in and then of their lives in general. People want to feel in control. People need to feel in control but why? Why is so important to feel in control? Why don’t you feel happy when you’re not in control? Why do you fight so hard to be in control and if you can control what you want then you go and try to control something else.


It’s not hard to figure out that I really don’t have control at all. I don’t have control over anything, the way I feel, my life, my actions, my emotions, nothing. I


I just don’t get why I always feel like I can control anything like I’m sitting at the sidelines watching my life speed past me and there is absolutely nothing I can do. No way to stop the cars racing past me, I try so hard to be in control of everything, I just don’t have the energy or strength to fight much harder, to gain all of my control back I’m not sure if I ever will. People push me around and tell me what to do and I usually let them. It’s not like I want to. It’s just that it’s easier to let them, then to try and not let them.


I know I’m not really worthy of much, and I probably don’t deserve to be in control. But I want to be so bad, you don’t even understand. There are things I do to try make myself have control but they are temporary, they make me feel the way I should. I think. Instead of empty and cold for a moment I feel, almost whole and in control. So I will keep doing them and hope that eventually I will be in control.

lovley. lovey. notsolovely.

Forgive but never forget.


How does it feel to live with regret?

It's too late to dull the pain.

You don't even remember my name.

Forgive but never forget.

You're fucking worthless and you lost my respect.

It's too late to dull the pain I will never be the same.

Bitterness closing in.

Be sure to keep your distance.

As your mind says it's okay but your heart,

your heart, says no fucking way.

Gone in an instant.

Not worth a second look.

Keep in Character.

Not worth the time it took.

Gone in an instant.

Wide-eyed filled with pride.

Keep in Character.

As you die inside.

Jealousy, tied to the hand.

Stand tall and reprimand.

One more time for old times' sake.

How far can you bend before you break?

Prepare for a fall.

Your fake smile means nothing at all.

I will never forget.

come in and sit down for tea.

LEAVE GET OUT, I don't want you here. So just leave.

oh wow lovely.

I’ve now decided that I’m putting on a mask, its on. You will now never see the inside of me. Good bye to my true emotions and hello to the fake, somewhat happy me. None of you need to see this side of me so I’m going to act like a happy babe, care free and drunk on life. Then hopefully you will all just believe that, that’s what I’m feeling. None of you need to be burdened with me. So if I act like this then no one will think twice. You will all be fouled.

Because as long as I seem happy no one actually cares, they don’t. Its simple and I like it that way. A mask of happiness, a mask of content, A mask with a smile painted on.

Bye me hello happy.

Oh wow lovely.

Black

Black is the death that is eating away at my body and soul.

Black are the guns shooting sprays of bullets everywhere.

Black are the rats spreading diseases to humans.

Black is the raven pecking at the eyes of corpses.


Black is the bomb plummeting towards the earth.

Black is the night that stays in the sky while you sleep

Black is the cat that stalks through the alley behind you.

Black is the jaguar that pounces on its prey.


Black are the shoes on the shelf that will never be sold.

Black are the colour of fingers diseased by frostbite

Black is the storm swelling over the land scouring everything into darkness

Black is the bumble bee buzzing, around you, waiting to sting.



Black is the colour that reaches to the far corners of the universe.

Black is the colour of pencil that scratches at the skin.

Black is the colour of the photo that will never be seen.

Black is the shade of the knife jutting out of the my chest.



 

yarp. .

Dig- Incubus.
Erase- Mika.
Stolen- Dusk and Summer
Scream- Tokio hotel
Lovely day-System of a down
Secound cahnce- Shinedown
Free falling- Light house
Guardien angle- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Sick and tired- Anastiacia
Big yellow taxi- counting crows
Nightrider- sidekick
Everywhere- Michelle Branch

Please.

Okay so here goes. I’m tired, lonely, and I miss you so fucking much. There are times when I’m having fun and I think about you, someone mentions you, or you pop into my head. I start to become sad I mean how can I be happy and have fun when you can’t, it’s not fair. I think about you nearly all the time. I wonder how you are what you’re doing; think about how times we spent together. I think about how happy you were and how happy you made me feel your smile, always, always put a smile on my face. It’s like you had magic powers over me.




Plus I don’t want to have fun, I’m over everyone and there stupid dramas. It never occurred to me how selfish some people are, my closest friends really don’t think about much, other than themselves and their life. To be completely honest I'm over it all and then most of the time, I can’t even stand to be around them. It’s not just them, its people in general.



it’s not your fault that I’m like this, I’m not blaming you because I blame myself completely. I should have fixed you, helped you, stopped you. It’s my fault.

But now I’m helpless I can’t help, and I want to so bad but I just can’t. I want to be there holding your hand every step of the way. Telling you everything will be okay but I can’t, it’s not because I don’t want to or can’t bring myself to do it. It’s just something I’m not allowed to do; I want to make you better so bad. In a way I suppose this is something you need to do by yourself.

I don’t want it to be. But you have to help yourself before anyone else can help you.



Please

i feel like this . . and sometimes i feel like this. .

Sometimes I feel like nothing can stop me.Ii'm on the top of the world. A bubbly buterfly of joy.

then most of the other time . .

i remember that your not hear and i blame myself, I could have stoped, i should have, but i dont know i just, didnt think it was that bad? i just want you to be here with me. how can i have fun, enjoy myself. i feel so terrible because i know that you cant and then I want to be by myself, compleatly alone.

To the boy i loved. .

Firstly I’d just like to say on the small chance that you may stumble upon this:

This isn’t an attempt to get you back. You need to move on, and I think you have, which is good.


Hear goes I’m sorry i guess you’ve heard it a lot. Too many times its most likely lost its meaning just like the word love. But I am. .  Sorry

I know I hurt you countless times, and I could be horrible to you. Sometimes I would just take all my anger and frustration out on you. The reason is I suppose that its easier to take it out on you cause I thought you would always love me, I thought that at the end of the day you would forgive me.

I know we fort a lot however we also had great times together. With you I felt happy just in that moment went you put your arms around me I felt save like nothing could ever touch me or hurt me. As if it rays of glee coming out of me were protecting us. But in the end it was me who hurt us.


Don’t you ever think that it was because of you that this happened because it wasn’t, it wasn’t. It was all me, you were anything if not more than any girl could ask for. I just fucked it up. I hope one day I will be able to explain it, to you. Right now I can’t even explain it to my self it complicated and I know people say that all the time. It is though, I just can’t put it in to words and tell you maybe because I’m seared. Maybe because I’m tired of thinking. Maybe because I’m just not strong enough to deal with any of this right now.


What I’m trying to say is that I know I’ve hurt too many times and I know I’ve sad sorry to many times. I just needed to get this off my chest. I’m not expecting you to forgive me I’m not expecting you to come running back to me because I don’t want you to it wouldn’t be right.


Well I hope one day we might be able to be friends and talk like we used to but who knows what the worlds got in store for us? Really? Its just up to chance lets just leave it up to that. Ill miss you.

thoughts of wonder.

Lately I have been thinking, a lot! It’s slightly annoying. My head just wont shut up. It goes on and on and on. I just want to scream.

Who am I?
What is my purpose?
Why are you doing this to yourself and me?
How can I help?
What should I do?


It’s all just too much, I feel like I’m going to implode. It’s just too hard.

But I have to keep on going, day by day. Its only been two days where I haven’t been able to see you and already I’m sick to my stomach, I’m lost, alone and I cant talk to anyone no one knows, no one understands.

i'm back

well well wel, its been awhile and hear I am again. I find myself back hear, staring in the face of a computer screen. why do I find it easier to sit hear and type, than to express myself in other ways? as fast as the new year came, I’m over it. I don’t feel any different. . i feel dangerously dull, empty and unfulfilled. is it just me?
so much has already happened and yet I’m board.
why is it that there has to be so much drama so much bitchiness.
cant everything just be sunshine and rainbow dust.?
I’m constantly tired, my brain hurts.
as I look at the sun and wait for the rain,
I’m strong but not strong enough
I’m small but not small enough
I’m waiting and worrying.
about you, cant you just stop. you are perfect and beautiful. you don’t need to change your self because of other people. your special and wonderful and I don’t understand why you cant see that? don’t you now that everyone loves you because of who you are! the person you are on the inside.
just be happy that you’re here.
your a babe!
i love you. please just stop.