I've been meaning to write a post about my recent trip to Thailand and Laos but right now I'm feel very stressed out and lethargic this always happens more so around hand in times and I know this, yet I let myself fuck around and stress myself out more. Feeling like I should talk to someone but gah hate this. I wish I was just a normal happy functional human.

Lying on my back - watching stars collide.

I haven't posted in a while and I feel that prolonged absences on here equates to a better head space or a happier place that I seem to have found for a while.

I think that has been the case recently, although I can't be sure. I never write for pleasure or do art for pleasure.. Why is it only feel like doing the things I do love for reasons of pain?

Lately I've been recognizing in other people a lot of what I want to portray in the perception I exert to the outside world. Maybe if I fool others enough then I will believe some bits of it to and I can be content with this shell I have of my former self. Its hard to write positive thing when you hold so much in all the time. Keeping up with it all feels like I'm living a lie, If I'm honest I probably am, but aren't we all?

Glasses.

I once put on a pair of my mums glasses and asked 'which one was real', as I glanced up and down through the glass.  The TV getting closer then further away. She thought I was trying to be funny, when really I was being serious and trying to figure out if what I saw with the glasses was the correct view. I wanted to know if my eyes had be lying to me my whole life.

 An ironic idea seeing as I once faked an eye test to get glasses.



I don't really know what I'm trying to say - I think I'll come back to this another time.

I'm finding it had to distinguish between old patterns and new. I get thoughts and feel as I'm slipping back into a manic depressive state. I can't tell and I'm just not so sure.

I just need someone.

Fuck depression.

Depression is something that will always be with me, long ago did I come to accept. I feel it will always be here. I despise myself for the plain and simple fact that I don't have the right. 

Nothing terribly terrible has happened to me. I do not understand how a person, a kid even can have this kind of pain for no blatant reason. 

I was around 8 when I first started self harming.  Is depression a way of controlling the population? Is it a chemical put in our water that some are more susceptible to? Cause how the fuck can an 8 year old get depressed? Someone please tell me. 

People talking about depression and cutting when they have no idea. I'm sittIng here like omg shut up, you have no fucking clue. 

Exhausting.

Everything seems to be exhausting me, no matter how much sleep or how much coffee I drink or how long I lie down, something inside me seems to have given up. My soul is tired.

Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I've already felt.

mehhhhhhhhh

I feel so alone and lonely, I'm so cold and tired and the urge to cut is really sticking in my mind. Usually I can shake it but lately it's been coming up more often than not.


I fucked a random on Friday. I shouldn't have done it. I really don't understand the point of fucking someone you don't have feelings for. I suppose it was nice at the time but waking up next to someone you hardly remember from the night before is not a great experience.




I just want to be wanted.