thinking hurts.

I was thinking about it the other day and when I told people, I really expected them to treat me differently. i think its weird, like I suppose it’s good that they haven't and I told them I didn’t want them to but obviously part of it was to do with them, I’m not blaming them at all because I know that it’s entirely my fault, everything that had happened was my choice. 

The things that have happened thou they happened for reasons some that I know and some unaware of. However they happened and it’s not something that you forget lightly or that every goes away. It will be with me for the rest of my life. I know that, I accept that, I just think that if I felt this way before, then its likely I’m going to feel like it again I’m a little scared, but then there’s the part of me that wants to go back to my old ways they were safe no one could hurt me then and the emptiness its coming back.. I’m just afraid and lost and I need help’s don’t know what kind or how maybe the only help I need is for me to help myself. It’s just hard with everyone else and there problems id rather focus on helping then they deserve it more than I do. They truly do.

i will fix you.

I did this to you. It’s my fault. Maybe you think you need attention, or it’s true or do some people see other people’s problems and decided that they need them to because its like they’re missing out on something.. Why all of a sudden has it come like this? Why? Because of me, probably. It doesn't seem too bad at the moment but if you keep trying to pretend like you’re like this you’re going to become like it and believe me you really don't want to, you don't. It is hell. I don't want you to go through the things I went through. Every day was a struggle to keep going.

I just feel so responsible for what’s happening; everything's my fault, it always is and I guess I accept that everything I do, I do it so wrong. I don't want you to go down this hole. I really don't. I've made progress I think. not a lot but a bit, some of its a show or a mask I put on to make others think I'm better however some of it is real and I don't want to be pulled down the hole with you. But I can feel myself starting to already and I hate myself for letting this happen to you.

I want you to talk to me about it, I want you to tell me everything. I can help, I can. I can take your demons away and patch you up. I don't even care if I never get fixed because I know I’m too damage too broken and lost to be now anyway but you, you’re not. So I will do it. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you. now what I need to do is fix you and I will. It’s what I have to do.

what have i done.

I've created a monster, what have i done? I've fucked everything up. Everyone around me. I didn't mean to hurt so many people. But I don't get why suddenly your like this I mean I really think your being a bit over the top you say you are just being yourself and being real but I think your one of the fakest and self sentenced people I know. I love you so much. Sometimes I just can't handle being around you. however I need you so much.

some day soon.

Back to my good old friend, my blog it’s been a while. Maybe too long. But then maybe that’s good. I’ve been talking to my councilor and I think its helping. I feel a bit better. I think it’s about taking one day as it comes and just living to your potential. I’m not too sure really but that’s what I think.

Today wasn’t such a great day, it was alright yeah. But then I found out things. I started to feel how I used to again. I don’t want to feel like this, it’s not nice I want to be normal and happy and I’m trying hard, so hard. You wouldn’t believe. 

My whole life people have always told me that I want good enough. That I couldn't do this. Couldn’t do that. I wasn't pretty enough. Wasn’t cool enough. The list goes on... you name it, people have told me it. I want to be good enough, I do... i feel like its true tho. However, I suppose if someone says something to you enough you start to believe it. The sad thing is even if they were joking or didn't mean it, just in the spur of the moment or decided to say something horrible just to hurt you. you know what it works. It gets you thinking. I've never really believed it when people tell you that if someone says something mean to you its because they're jealous of you, I mean it makes sense I guess but I still don't really get it and I don't get how saying so horrible to the other person is going to make you feel better.  

My friend, she had a problem. She’s sick, and I get that. It’s hard for her and it’s hard for the people around her. It really is. But we try to get through it as best we can and I guess you could say that I wasn’t coping before okay I really wasn’t at all. I still mightn’t be. But I will be someday soon I hope. Someday soon.