Today's intake so far. :)

breakfast: peppermint tea
lunch: a caramel latte, 2 smokes, and a carrot.

For dinner I plan to either make a stir fry or I will have some soup that my mum made last night.

Im starting a Fruit And Vegetable Cleanse today. My plan is to cut down on everything that isn’t Fruit And Vegetables. I really hope I can achive this, I will still drink some coffee and have ciggrettts however try my hardest to not. If everything goes well then at the end of this week I will decide if I want to go another week, wish me luck. :) 


hopefully I will lose some weight too.

;S

• lypophrenia: a feeling of sadness seemingly without a cause
• drapetomania: an overwhelming urge to run away
• escapism: a mental desire to retreat from unpleasant realities through fantasy
• wanderlust: a desire to travel, to understand one’s very existence
• dysania: the state of finding it difficult to get out of bed in the morning
• sanctuary: a small safe place in a troubling world
• metathesiophobia: fear of change

Don't be scared, I'm right here.

I love people, but I also love being alone. I like my own company. In all honesty, I would be completely okay if I never found a partner. It’s not a need for me, it’s more of a want. I am self-sufficient and I know myself well.  In a way, I’m rather detached from emotions when it comes to other people. I let go easily. It’s kind of like an emotional armor. Being independent is my number one goal at all times.

YO

I like art, and by art I mean music, poetry, sex, paintings, the human body, literature… All of this is art to me.

Give Me Love - Ed Sheeran
Give me love like her,
'cause lately I've been waking up alone,
Paint splattered teardrops on my shirt,
Told you I'd let them go,
And that I'll fight my corner,
Maybe tonight I'll call ya,
After my blood turns into alcohol,
No, I just wanna hold ya.

Give a little time to me or burn this out,
We'll play hide and seek to turn this around,
All I want is the taste that your lips allow,

:3

A sound is eminence as powerful as the world its self

Depression isn't something you get over easily, I think its been with me my entire life. There were times when I was so incredibly happy and nothing could stop me, but it was always there in the back of my mind I guess you would say. It's hard living hating myself, but its also hard all the time.

I don't know what its like for other people all I can speak for is myself and I guess its like living a life you don't want to have any part of, watching everything happen and everyone go about their lives, without wanting one.

It's a selfish illness. I know that I understand that there are people dying everyday. I used to want to die, well I think I did. However now I don't, I can see myself growing up, moving out, being in love, having kids. That's progress, that's prof that things get better.

I recently when to a funereal with my boyfriend for one of his friends that had hung himself, it was truly one of the saddest things of my life, and throughout the whole thing I couldn't stop thinking this could be my funereal, this could have been me. But then at the back of my head was this little voice saying that no one would have come to mine, no one would have given a shit. Which isn't really true at all, however at that point in time I believe that. I think retrospective is a great thing, we never really know what we've got till its gone. I understand that fully. I just wish people could understand that they have a lot, a great deal of love, friends. Even if I doesn't seem like it. I wish this boy could have seen how many people were effected by his death, how many people showed up, how many cared truly about him. He just never had that chance to see it. It's deeply hurtful to me to comprehend that anyone can carry on believing that they have no one, not one person they can trust. That was me once, I guess still is.

 I wish suicide wasn't an option, I mean it can seem like a good and and sometimes I even believe that it's selfish to keep a person on earth when they want to die. but I guess I'm nieve. I really don't know what I'm talking about. I'm a crazed mind, with a hunted sole. I just wish that everyone could find hope and hold on to it. I know that sounds cheesy but I really do. Why is it that the people that appear the happiest are always the most broken, WHY. Can someone tell me? Why is the world such a fucked up place? WHAT IS THE FUCKING MEANING? Cause I have no clue and I just want to understand, love and care. I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused. I want to get better and it's happening surly but slowly I am getting there. Any maybe one day I will be free of this dead weight dragging me down. Who knows? I'd like to say it's up to god, but really it's left to fate and chance in the end.

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound

      Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground 

So I like to keep my issues strong

                    But it's always darkest before the dawn

Olivia. What more could I have done?

I miss being needed by you, I miss looking after you, I miss protecting you. I miss being the only one you turned to. I miss worrying about you. Thinking about you took up 120 percent of my brain space. I miss caring more about you, than anything else. Don't get me wrong I'm glad your better, stronger, happier, healthier. I just long to be needed.

We had a bond that no one else understood, I needed you and you needed me. That was all. We were apart of each other. I would have died for you.. I suppose I almost did. I got caught up in you and all of your problems. I forgot about me and my own issues. I lost sight of everything else, nothing else mattered and in the process I lost a bit of myself. A part I don't think I'll ever get back and in no way do I blame you, I don't think I ever could for anything. You are the only person I've ever trusted completely, but then there were times I really didn't trust you. I guess 'trust' isn't the right word exactly, I knew you were lying to me. But what could I have done?

With out you I honestly don't know where I would be. You are an absolutely beautiful person and I love you so incredible whole heartily. I never want to lose the friendship we share, however I don't think we ever will. Our bond is too strong, we've been through too much. You are my I want to say 'best friend' but that just sounds so typical and that's not we are, at all. I will always be there, I will always need you. The only problem, will you always need me? I feel so despicable.