yes.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate now knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

Iam

Empty, hurt, cold, dark, closed, desperate, angry, tired, blank, broken, and alone.


I want to sleep, just one night of good proper sleep where I don’t wake up shivering, shaking but feeling nothing. I want to go to sleep and never wake up; the thing is I don’t think anyone would notice. They really wouldn’t. I’d just be there in the corner one day and gone the next. Like someone had put me out in the recycling however I don’t think I’d be much good for that so broken, so unusable.
I just can’t do it because I know that you need me, too much or maybe I need you but I couldn’t abandonee, you leave you alone in that horrible place with all of them, I couldn’t do it to you.


I've tried once before but you’re the only thing stopping me. I want to, I do. The pain is too much to bear. There is a weight in my body, getting heavier and heavier. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to stand it, I want to leave it all behind. Forever.

control

Why is it that everyone fights for control? It’s one of the biggest things that people strive for. Control over the group, to be the leader, control of their family, control over the situation they are in and then of their lives in general. People want to feel in control. People need to feel in control but why? Why is so important to feel in control? Why don’t you feel happy when you’re not in control? Why do you fight so hard to be in control and if you can control what you want then you go and try to control something else.


It’s not hard to figure out that I really don’t have control at all. I don’t have control over anything, the way I feel, my life, my actions, my emotions, nothing. I


I just don’t get why I always feel like I can control anything like I’m sitting at the sidelines watching my life speed past me and there is absolutely nothing I can do. No way to stop the cars racing past me, I try so hard to be in control of everything, I just don’t have the energy or strength to fight much harder, to gain all of my control back I’m not sure if I ever will. People push me around and tell me what to do and I usually let them. It’s not like I want to. It’s just that it’s easier to let them, then to try and not let them.


I know I’m not really worthy of much, and I probably don’t deserve to be in control. But I want to be so bad, you don’t even understand. There are things I do to try make myself have control but they are temporary, they make me feel the way I should. I think. Instead of empty and cold for a moment I feel, almost whole and in control. So I will keep doing them and hope that eventually I will be in control.

lovley. lovey. notsolovely.

Forgive but never forget.


How does it feel to live with regret?

It's too late to dull the pain.

You don't even remember my name.

Forgive but never forget.

You're fucking worthless and you lost my respect.

It's too late to dull the pain I will never be the same.

Bitterness closing in.

Be sure to keep your distance.

As your mind says it's okay but your heart,

your heart, says no fucking way.

Gone in an instant.

Not worth a second look.

Keep in Character.

Not worth the time it took.

Gone in an instant.

Wide-eyed filled with pride.

Keep in Character.

As you die inside.

Jealousy, tied to the hand.

Stand tall and reprimand.

One more time for old times' sake.

How far can you bend before you break?

Prepare for a fall.

Your fake smile means nothing at all.

I will never forget.