Lying on my back - watching stars collide.

I haven't posted in a while and I feel that prolonged absences on here equates to a better head space or a happier place that I seem to have found for a while.

I think that has been the case recently, although I can't be sure. I never write for pleasure or do art for pleasure.. Why is it only feel like doing the things I do love for reasons of pain?

Lately I've been recognizing in other people a lot of what I want to portray in the perception I exert to the outside world. Maybe if I fool others enough then I will believe some bits of it to and I can be content with this shell I have of my former self. Its hard to write positive thing when you hold so much in all the time. Keeping up with it all feels like I'm living a lie, If I'm honest I probably am, but aren't we all?

Glasses.

I once put on a pair of my mums glasses and asked 'which one was real', as I glanced up and down through the glass.  The TV getting closer then further away. She thought I was trying to be funny, when really I was being serious and trying to figure out if what I saw with the glasses was the correct view. I wanted to know if my eyes had be lying to me my whole life.

 An ironic idea seeing as I once faked an eye test to get glasses.



I don't really know what I'm trying to say - I think I'll come back to this another time.

I'm finding it had to distinguish between old patterns and new. I get thoughts and feel as I'm slipping back into a manic depressive state. I can't tell and I'm just not so sure.

I just need someone.

Fuck depression.

Depression is something that will always be with me, long ago did I come to accept. I feel it will always be here. I despise myself for the plain and simple fact that I don't have the right. 

Nothing terribly terrible has happened to me. I do not understand how a person, a kid even can have this kind of pain for no blatant reason. 

I was around 8 when I first started self harming.  Is depression a way of controlling the population? Is it a chemical put in our water that some are more susceptible to? Cause how the fuck can an 8 year old get depressed? Someone please tell me. 

People talking about depression and cutting when they have no idea. I'm sittIng here like omg shut up, you have no fucking clue. 

Exhausting.

Everything seems to be exhausting me, no matter how much sleep or how much coffee I drink or how long I lie down, something inside me seems to have given up. My soul is tired.

Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I've already felt.

mehhhhhhhhh

I feel so alone and lonely, I'm so cold and tired and the urge to cut is really sticking in my mind. Usually I can shake it but lately it's been coming up more often than not.


I fucked a random on Friday. I shouldn't have done it. I really don't understand the point of fucking someone you don't have feelings for. I suppose it was nice at the time but waking up next to someone you hardly remember from the night before is not a great experience.




I just want to be wanted.

Drained.

I feel unspeakably lonely. And I feel - drained. It is a blank state of mind and soul I cannot describe to you as I think it would not make any difference. Also it is a very private feeling I have - that of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown. I am often questioning myself what I further want to do, who I further wish to be; which parts of me, exactly, are still functioning properly. No answers, darling. At all.

Take me home.

Anxiety running through me. I've never felt so scared to just be and do. My depressive phases these days is nothing but darkness and an overwhelming numbness. I can do anything and I don't care about anything. But with this I feel crippled. 

Politeness is okay, but it gets old and boring. You want to attack life with a passion, not a politeness, you want people to think about you and remember you and say “she is so passionate” you don’t want people to think about you and remember you and say “she is so polite,” because, who cares about polite?

happen stance.

 My soul has gone missing and my eyes are tired, my mouth is as dry as the scorching sun, my arms are weak. There's a lonely hum in my brain. Everything's so settled so specific, however completely built on happenstance. Decisions and non-decisions I made brought me to this destination, how is it possible that chance decided on this? The whim of a minute could have changed everything and everyone. 

Am I really here? 

Stop. Don't read any further than this.. From Amy and porky pig!!!!

Between sleep and walking, we are awake dreaming. 

Feeling sick,tired and extremely low once again. 

The worst part is there is no one else to blame.

“Before you know it it’s 3 am and you’re 80 years old and you can’t remember what it was like to have 20 year old thoughts or a 10 year old heart.”

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I am 20 years old in 17 day. What the actual fuck. I can't be 20. I can't do anything. How am I supposed to be a normal functional human being. I need an intervention. Someone needs so show me how to live my life. I feel like my brain hasn't developed past the age of 17, is that a thing? Are there tests for that? fucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc

New Year, good year.

Keep focused - remember that missing out on a couple of nights in town or whatever is not worth the pain of last minute work.

Determination is key - I can actually do pretty good work if I keep at it.

Live within my means - buying coffee and food out everyday is not a satsainable way to live.

Keep positive - good things and happiness will come.

Read - for fun, to open the mind, to be a better person.

Eat clean - cleanse the sole, happy food will bring happiness.

Stay orgnised - Being on top of things will help stress levels.