ugly eyes to go with an even uglyier face.

I don't know what I'm doing. Do I care too much or not enough ? I don't understand anything, Everything's in one ear and out the other. Whats happening? 

In this room, I sit here.
Just waiting, for nothing in particular.
Maybe its you, or am I hiding?
Will you find me? In this room,
I hope not here not like this. 

Chills spill down my spine, I remember this
It's like a summer half forgotten.
A demon lurking in the shadows, always on my back.
Ready to pounce and shoot me down.

In this room, I pray you don't find me.
For you would hate to see me like this,
I'll drop it now, I'll leave it.
You don't care anyway.

The door creeks open, i can see you in the shadows.
I try to scream but there's no sound.
I reach for the door, but you've got hold of me now.
I turn and look at you but all I see,
is my reflection staring back at me.

To my brother.

I'm sorry, I ruined your birthday dinner.
I'm sorry, that our parents are wankers.
I'm sorry, that I'm a shit sister, I'm supposed to shield you from the pain of the world but I don't.
I'm sorry, I don't treat you like a sister should.
I'm sorry' I just kinda ignore you and don't act like I give a shit.
I'm sorry, you care more about me than i do about you.
I'm sorry that I pretty much ruin your life. You deserve better than this shit.
I'm sorry, that I take most of the attention from you. I really wish i didn't.
I'm sorry, that I am your sister.
I'm sorry, I'm like this.
I'm sorry, I was born.


I'm sorry.

you are my all

Okay so I don't quite know how to say this but I think I am actuallly in love with you. I'm not sure what being in love feels like but I do know that I love you with everything I have. I dont even think I would be able to live with out you! Its different when I'm with you to when I'm with anyone eles. You make me actually happy! and you make me think that one day I could actually be normal. One day possible soon it could almost be okay.

The only thing is that you could hurt me so bad, I'm scared to give you my all and tell you everything.  I know the pain that you could cause me, if frightens me to be like this, dependent. I've always been the independent one who didn't really care what others thought. (well my friends would probz describe me as that.) But life with out you would be unbearable and I wouldn't be able to handle it. You are you absolutely amazing and then I'm just not. I don't know how you can stand to be with me but you are and I'm so thankful. I know I can be moody, frustrating, a bitch and just down right annoying most of the time. Some how you manage to put up with me. You make me the happyist I've been in so long. I just want to tell you that I love you so much, and I know  I told you that I didn't believe that you could love someone when you don't love your self . well now I believe that you can because I fucking love you with everything I have. you are actually mean so much to me  Connor!  I would be utterly lost without you. <3

Jesus Christ

I have exams!! It could be possible that i haven't studied.. tomorrow I have mats and science.. :/ help me!!
all I've done since I got home is procrastinate, I actually took my dog for a run which I never do. It was quite nice though. I think I'll do it more often. It was dark and cold, but mainly peaceful.  Facebook is just distracting and now I'm looking at lots of blogs. God, I wish I was just naturally smart and new everything. That would be great!

hate is a strong word but not strong enough.

i want to be different.

i dont know what kind of different just different.
sometimes i wish someone would pick me up and drop me in a completely new place with a new family, new friends just everything new but then id still be the same. dumb, unattractive, and just unwanted. i dont know why im so bad at everything. anything i try to do i fail and some people they are just amazing at everything and so pretty its not fair.

okay sorry about that im just so frustrated with my self at the moment i seriously cant do anything right!
im useless. it actually is so surprising that people actually want to talk to me.

This photo pretty much sums up my life. {:

JesusChrist

Shitbricks, I just ate a fuck load! I'm not even joking. after school I got home and i had :
2 Muesli bars
4 pieces of toast
6 crackers
1 bowl of corn flakes with yogurt
and 1 cup of noodles

I don't even understand how that is humanly possible!!
Now my head hurts but i guess that what you get.

JesusChrist is all i have to say right now.