A sound is eminence as powerful as the world its self

Depression isn't something you get over easily, I think its been with me my entire life. There were times when I was so incredibly happy and nothing could stop me, but it was always there in the back of my mind I guess you would say. It's hard living hating myself, but its also hard all the time.

I don't know what its like for other people all I can speak for is myself and I guess its like living a life you don't want to have any part of, watching everything happen and everyone go about their lives, without wanting one.

It's a selfish illness. I know that I understand that there are people dying everyday. I used to want to die, well I think I did. However now I don't, I can see myself growing up, moving out, being in love, having kids. That's progress, that's prof that things get better.

I recently when to a funereal with my boyfriend for one of his friends that had hung himself, it was truly one of the saddest things of my life, and throughout the whole thing I couldn't stop thinking this could be my funereal, this could have been me. But then at the back of my head was this little voice saying that no one would have come to mine, no one would have given a shit. Which isn't really true at all, however at that point in time I believe that. I think retrospective is a great thing, we never really know what we've got till its gone. I understand that fully. I just wish people could understand that they have a lot, a great deal of love, friends. Even if I doesn't seem like it. I wish this boy could have seen how many people were effected by his death, how many people showed up, how many cared truly about him. He just never had that chance to see it. It's deeply hurtful to me to comprehend that anyone can carry on believing that they have no one, not one person they can trust. That was me once, I guess still is.

 I wish suicide wasn't an option, I mean it can seem like a good and and sometimes I even believe that it's selfish to keep a person on earth when they want to die. but I guess I'm nieve. I really don't know what I'm talking about. I'm a crazed mind, with a hunted sole. I just wish that everyone could find hope and hold on to it. I know that sounds cheesy but I really do. Why is it that the people that appear the happiest are always the most broken, WHY. Can someone tell me? Why is the world such a fucked up place? WHAT IS THE FUCKING MEANING? Cause I have no clue and I just want to understand, love and care. I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused. I want to get better and it's happening surly but slowly I am getting there. Any maybe one day I will be free of this dead weight dragging me down. Who knows? I'd like to say it's up to god, but really it's left to fate and chance in the end.