thoughts

my mum always told me to “touch people lightly.” that’s an impossible concept for me, though.

i am 100% committed to every relationship i am in. if i’m going to take the time to care about you, i will care about you with every fibre of my being: every hair on my head, every toe on my foot, every beat of my heart. if i take the time to emotionally invest myself in you, i go all in. but no one seems to do the same. i am the friend that will pick you up at three in the morning regardless of what i’m doing. i am the friend that will dry your tears when a stupid boy breaks your heart. i am the friend that will buy you a present out of the blue. i am the friend that will hold your hair in a bathroom as you puke your guts out. i am the friend that will be there for you no matter what.

yet somehow, no one is that friend to me. i am the friend that walks home alone. i am the friend that works every possible angle to go out of my way to see someone who could care less about seeing me. i am the friend that is taken for granted, i guess, because people are used to me being there for them and expect it from me. i don’t expect anything in return for my friendship, but sometimes it would be nice for it to be reciprocated, you know. 

it’s also so easy for people to get over other people. a boy that was supposedly in love with me, hasn't talked to me once since and, is already banging random girls…. uh, if that was me (which it has been)….. i would be in bed depressed for days. I just don't understand how people can care so little. I am constantly reaching out to people who don't give a fuck about me. Why do I do this to myself? 

so from now on, i will try to touch lightly. i will make out with random boys for the night and not expect anything out of it, i will do things on my own, i will not expect anyone to be there for me. i mean i used to be this way, but i guess i thought things could change. they don’t. i can handle myself, but sometimes it would be nice to have dependable back up. i have amazing friends, but sometimes i just feel so lost in the shuffle. i guess i’ve just learned at a young age that if you want something done and done right, you have to do it yourself.