Okay so here goes. I’m tired, lonely, and I miss you so fucking much. There are times when I’m having fun and I think about you, someone mentions you, or you pop into my head. I start to become sad I mean how can I be happy and have fun when you can’t, it’s not fair. I think about you nearly all the time. I wonder how you are what you’re doing; think about how times we spent together. I think about how happy you were and how happy you made me feel your smile, always, always put a smile on my face. It’s like you had magic powers over me.
Plus I don’t want to have fun, I’m over everyone and there stupid dramas. It never occurred to me how selfish some people are, my closest friends really don’t think about much, other than themselves and their life. To be completely honest I'm over it all and then most of the time, I can’t even stand to be around them. It’s not just them, its people in general.
it’s not your fault that I’m like this, I’m not blaming you because I blame myself completely. I should have fixed you, helped you, stopped you. It’s my fault.
But now I’m helpless I can’t help, and I want to so bad but I just can’t. I want to be there holding your hand every step of the way. Telling you everything will be okay but I can’t, it’s not because I don’t want to or can’t bring myself to do it. It’s just something I’m not allowed to do; I want to make you better so bad. In a way I suppose this is something you need to do by yourself.
I don’t want it to be. But you have to help yourself before anyone else can help you.
Please
In truth, you like the pain. You like it because you believe you deserve it, and the fact that you’re putting yourself through pain means you are doing what you, by all rights, ought to do. You’re doing something right. Your ability to withstand pain is your claim to fame. It is ascetic, holy. It is self-control.
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